Joke of the day.

Discussion in 'The Water Cooler' started by grnhd, Apr 19, 2014.

  1. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
    She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?' He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy..'
    She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
    The two sat sipping in silence.
    A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
    He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
     
  2. Sota

    Sota Legendary Woodsman

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    Great joke old man.
     
  3. elkguide

    elkguide Grizzled Veteran

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    And I always thought that I was a cowboy too! The things you learn.
     
  4. Fix

    Fix Grizzled Veteran

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  5. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered.
    Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father of the baby. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
    The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
    The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent.
    The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
    The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.
     
  6. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together on a heathery hill in the Highlands. They had been silent for a while, then the lass said, "A penny for your thoughts."
    The lad was a bit abashed, but he finally said, "Well, I was thinkin' how nice it would be if ye'd give me a wee bit of a kiss."
    So she did so.
    But he again lapsed into a pensive mood which lasted long enough for the lass to ask him, "What are ye thinkin' now?"
    To which the lad replied: "Well, I was hopin' ye hadn't forgot the penny!"
     
  7. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    Lady (to her doctor): "What l am worried about is my height and not my weight."

    Doctor: "How come?"

    Lady: "According to my weight, my height should be 7 feet, 8 inches."
     
  8. Sota

    Sota Legendary Woodsman

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    Just like drinking is a matter of algebraic equations, it is not that you drank too much it is that you do not weigh enough for how much you drank.
     
  9. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    “It doesn’t matter how many times you fall, it’s how many times you get back up.”

    “That’s not how field sobriety tests work,” the police officer replied.
     
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  10. Black Hills Hunter

    Black Hills Hunter Newb

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    ^^^^ lmao good one
     
  11. picman

    picman Die Hard Bowhunter

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    I was going to tell a time travel joke but you guys didn't like it.
     
  12. picman

    picman Die Hard Bowhunter

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    A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital.
    Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
    "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon.
    "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

    "Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over!
    Please Doc, what's the good news?"
    "The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm

    and I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."
    "Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again."
    The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course

    when he bumped into the surgeon.
    "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great," says the businessman.
    "I'm playing the best golf of my life.
    My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
    "That's great," said the surgeon.
    "Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved,
    I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting
    landscapes in watercolors."

    "That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the
    transplant was such a great success.
    Are you having any side effects?"
    "Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking and

    every time I get an erection, I get a headache."
     
  13. picman

    picman Die Hard Bowhunter

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    The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

    No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

    Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”

    Little Mary’s mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!”

    The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?”

    Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”

    Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and
    continued.

    “As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn’t read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.”
     
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  14. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?

    The father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?"

    Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

    Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know son." Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

    The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'."
     
  15. picman

    picman Die Hard Bowhunter

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    germ.jpg



    It's Germ!
     
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  16. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    My wife just called me and said, “Three of the girls in my office just got some flowers for the holidays. They’re absolutely gorgeous!”

    I replied, “That’s probably why they got flowers then…”
     
  17. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    I'm over the hill.....
    We're over the hill but don't feel sad
    This side of the hill ain't all that bad.
    So give us "five" and then a smile
    To us who have been here for awhile.

    With by-pass pain and mended hip
    And plumbing fixtures prone to drip;
    We all may seem a sorry lot,
    But we rejoice for what we've got.

    We have each day and what it brings
    And on our pensions live like kings.
    For the press that accuses what we take
    To coin a phrase, "Let them eat cake."

    We've paid our share for unused knowledge
    As the kids are now all done with college.
    We complain to them about our health
    As they worry about our dwindling wealth.

    And though our wardrobes may be plain
    We'll suffer no more labor or pain.
    Now it's with cane we do our strut
    And if we can't drive - we still can putt.

    We're mean and tough, meet all demands,
    Why, M&M's melt in our hands.
    Yes, we're still here, and it does delight us
    That you join our fight against arthritis.

    But we ask you make a pledge today
    That you'll be careful what you say.
    We have to spread "Over the Hill" fear
    Or we'll have those young folks over here.
     
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  18. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took place.
    "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
    "Probably that I married you for your money."
     
  19. dbow

    dbow Weekend Warrior

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    [​IMG]


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
     
  20. picman

    picman Die Hard Bowhunter

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    And that's when the fight started....
     

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