The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?" The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?" The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!" The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table. The pilot asked, "What's that for?" "To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said, “Have a good day, son.” “Don’t call me son,” I said. “You’re not my dad.” He scratched his head. “No, but I brought you up, didn’t I?”
My daughter called me at work to say I was to phone Ian at my bank. The operator asked me what Ian's last name was and I explained that he hadn't left his surname. When she asked for his department, I said I didn't know. "There are 1500 employees in this building, sir," she advised me rather curtly. After a few more brusque comments, I asked her for her name. "Danielle," she said. "And your last name?" I asked. "Sorry," she replied, "we don't give out last names."
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out.... "Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!" Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse." Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it." So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! " Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!" Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!" Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix." So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!" Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!" Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!" To which Ma replies,...... "Hurt's, don't it ?!"
Government surveyors came to Ole's farm in the fall and asked if they could do some surveying. Ole agreed, and Lena even served them a nice meal at noon time. The next spring, the two surveyors stopped by and told Ole, "Because you were so kind to us, we wanted to give you this bad news in person instead of by letter." Ole replied, "What's the bad news?" The surveyors stated, "Well, after our work here, we discovered your farm is not in Minnesota but is actually in Wisconsin!" Ole looked at Lea and said, "That's the best news I have heard in a long time. I just told Lena this morning that I don't think I can take another winter in Minnesota."
A little old man shuffled slowly into and ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully up on a stool....after catching his breath, he ordered a banana split The young waitress asked kindly, "crushed nuts?" "no" he replied "arthritis"
Before I die I am going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn. That should make the cremation a little more interesting!!!
The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of perfectly good aircraft. "Obviously the Air Force knows there's no such thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft,'" the irritated officer finally countered one afternoon, "because they pay you *****s four times as much to stay in one as the Army pays its men to jump." "You've got it all wrong, Major," an Air Force sergeant replied. "The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to b***h about the salary."
A very popular 90 year old gentleman passed away. At his funeral, a man approached the widow and said he would like to say a word. Upon obtaining the widow’s permission, he stood in front of the casket and said, “Plethora.” The widow walked up to the man, put her arm around him and said, “That means a lot.”
An elderly couple had dinner at another couples house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said "last night we ate at a new restaurant and it was great I would highly recommend it." The other man said "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said "What is the name of the flower that you give someone you love? you know the one that's red and has thorns" "do you mean a rose?" replied the other man. "yes, that's the one" replied the man. He then turned toward the kitchen and yelled "Rose what was the name of the restaurant we ate at last night?"
Some lame Thanksgiving jokes for you. Happy Thanksgiving! Josh: Why did the farmer run a steamroller over his potato field on Thanksgiving Day? Phil: Why? Josh: He wanted to raise mashed potatoes. Biff: Why did the turkey cross the road? Bob: I don’t know. Biff: It was Thanksgiving Day, and he wanted people to think he was a chicken! Charles: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert? Mary: I haven’t a clue. Charles: Peach gobbler! Tom Swiftie: “May I say the prayer before Thanksgiving dinner?” Tom asked gracefully. A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” “No, ma’am. They’re dead.”
I will say that Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday by far, football on the TV pumpkin pie and Friday off.
At the Sunday morning church service, the minister asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle crash and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was terrible and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from all the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every movement caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a very delicate operation, which lasted for over five hours, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery that was performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, after six weeks, Tom is now out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with relief. The minister rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife that the word is STERNUM."
1. The meaning of opaque is unclear. 2. I wasn’t going to get a brain transplant but then I changed my mind. 3. Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time consuming. 4. A man tried to assault me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy! 5. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down. 6. If there was someone selling marijuana in our neighborhood, weed know about it. 7. It’s a lengthy article about ancient Japanese sword fighters but I can Sumurais it for you. 8. It’s not that the man couldn’t juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it. 9. So what if I don’t know the meaning of the word ‘apocalypse’? It’s not the end of the world. 10. Police were called to the daycare center. A 3-year old was resisting a rest. 11. The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.. 12. Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy. 13. Alternative facts are aversion of the truth. 14. I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it. 15. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 16. Did you know they won’t be making yardsticks any longer? 17. I used to be allergic to soap but I’m clean now. 18. The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless. 19. What did the man say when the bridge fell on him? The suspension is killing me. 20. Do you have weight loss mantras? Fat chants! 21. My tailor is happy to make a new pair of pants for me. Or sew it seams. 22. What is a thesaurus’s favorite dessert? Synonym buns. 23. A relief map shows where the restrooms are. 24. There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal. 25. How do they figure out the price of hammers? Per pound.
In order to teach her class about public speaking Little Johnny's teacher asked them all to come up and give a speech about what their parents do for a living. When it came to Little Johnny's turn he got up and said my daddy's a stripper at the local gay bar and when I need new shoes he turns tricks in the alley to make extra money. The teacher quickly pulled Little Johnny aside and said Johnny is it true your daddy's a stripper and he turns tricks in the alley to buy your new shoes,? Little Johnny says no he's a news reporter for CNN but I was too embarrassed to say that!
A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service,they opted for the contemporary. On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep his trousers dry. When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting. "Pull down your pants," whispered the pastor. "Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind," the groom responded. "I think I would prefer the traditional service."
A man had 3 beautiful girlfriends but did not know which to marry. As a test he decided to give each woman $5000 to see how they would spend it. The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover. She told him "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much". The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad, and an 80" flatscreen TV. She said " I bought these gifts for you because I love you so much". The third woman took the $5000 and invested it in the stock market, doubled her investment, returned the $5000 to the man and reinvested the rest. She said "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much". The man thought long and hard about how each of his girlfriends had spent the money, and then he decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts. Sorry I cleaned it up and removed what could be perceived as vulgar, the joke is better told not read.
