Joke of the day.

Discussion in 'The Water Cooler' started by grnhd, Apr 19, 2014.

  1. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"

    The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"

    The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"

    The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.

    The pilot asked, "What's that for?"

    "To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
     
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  2. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said, “Have a good day, son.”

    “Don’t call me son,” I said. “You’re not my dad.”

    He scratched his head. “No, but I brought you up, didn’t I?”
     
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  3. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    My daughter called me at work to say I was to phone Ian at my bank. The operator asked me what Ian's last name was and I explained that he hadn't left his surname. When she asked for his department, I said I didn't know.

    "There are 1500 employees in this building, sir," she advised me rather curtly.

    After a few more brusque comments, I asked her for her name.

    "Danielle," she said.

    "And your last name?" I asked.

    "Sorry," she replied, "we don't give out last names."
     
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  4. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....

    "Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

    Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

    Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

    So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,

    "Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "

    Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

    Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

    Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

    So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,

    "Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

    Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

    Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,

    "Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

    To which Ma replies,...... "Hurt's, don't it ?!"
     
  5. picman

    picman Weekend Warrior

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    Damn near had hot tea come out my nose!
     
  6. wl704

    wl704 Grizzled Veteran

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    Government surveyors came to Ole's farm in the fall and asked if they could do some surveying. Ole agreed, and Lena even served them a nice meal at noon time.

    The next spring, the two surveyors stopped by and told Ole, "Because you were so kind to us, we wanted to give you this bad news in person instead of by letter."

    Ole replied, "What's the bad news?"

    The surveyors stated, "Well, after our work here, we discovered your farm is not in Minnesota but is actually in Wisconsin!"

    Ole looked at Lea and said, "That's the best news I have heard in a long time. I just told Lena this morning that I don't think I can take another winter in Minnesota."
     
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  7. Sota

    Sota Legendary Woodsman

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    The joke was not funny after it was 0 degrees yesterday morning.
     
  8. Sota

    Sota Legendary Woodsman

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    A little old man shuffled slowly into and ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully up on a stool....after catching his breath, he ordered a banana split

    The young waitress asked kindly, "crushed nuts?"

    "no" he replied "arthritis"
     
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  9. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    Before I die I am going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn.

    That should make the cremation a little more interesting!!!
     
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  10. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of perfectly good aircraft. "Obviously the Air Force knows there's no such thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft,'" the irritated officer finally countered one afternoon, "because they pay you *****s four times as much to stay in one as the Army pays its men to jump."

    "You've got it all wrong, Major," an Air Force sergeant replied. "The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to b***h about the salary."
     
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  11. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    A very popular 90 year old gentleman passed away. At his funeral, a man approached the widow and said he would like to say a word.

    Upon obtaining the widow’s permission, he stood in front of the casket and said, “Plethora.”

    The widow walked up to the man, put her arm around him and said, “That means a lot.”
     
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  12. Sota

    Sota Legendary Woodsman

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    My wife told me that I am cheap.

    I am not buying it.
     
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  13. Sota

    Sota Legendary Woodsman

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    An elderly couple had dinner at another couples house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

    The two gentlemen were talking, and one said "last night we ate at a new restaurant and it was great I would highly recommend it."

    The other man said "What is the name of the restaurant?"

    The first man thought and thought and finally said "What is the name of the flower that you give someone you love? you know the one that's red and has thorns"

    "do you mean a rose?" replied the other man.

    "yes, that's the one" replied the man. He then turned toward the kitchen and yelled "Rose what was the name of the restaurant we ate at last night?"
     

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