A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom." The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom." "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?" "Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
All of Broomtown was a buzz because boy-broom and girl-broom were going to get married. Everyone felt certain that the bride-broom and the groom-broom would make a lovely couple. The night before the wedding, however, bride-broom told groom-broom that she was going to have a little wisk-broom. "But, how can that be?" wailed groom-broom, "We haven't even swept together yet!"
The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant pored over them. Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, "You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle." "Why would you say that?" wondered the broker. "Because you've made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career."
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes. Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way. Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t, I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does. Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth. Genie: You son of a …..
A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. For this particular trip, he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: “You rest here while I register – I’ll be back within an hour.” So, his wife lies down on the bed…and just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she’s thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she’s pitched to the floor. Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he’ll be right up. The manager (naturally) is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. “Look, lie here on the bed – you’ll be thrown right to the floor!” So he lies down next to the wife… Just then the husband walks in. “What,” he says in an ominous tone, “are you doing here?” The manager replies: “Would you believe I’m waiting for a train?”
Her boyfriend was dying. She was by his bedside when he said something with a weak voice, “There’s something I must confess.” “Shhh” she said, “There’s nothing to confess. Everything is alright.” “No, I must die in peace” he said, “I had sex with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker.” “I know” she whispered, “That’s why I poisoned you. Now close your eyes.”
A Blonde Redneck Guy finds a lamp. He rubs it and a Genie emerges. The Genie tells him he will be granted three wishes. The Guy thinks for a moment and says, 'First, give me a bottomless mug of beer.' A mug of beer appears in his hand. He sips it once, then again and the mug is magically refilled. The Guy is thrilled and continues to drink. The mug never empties. Then the Genie says, 'And what about your other two wishes?' The guy thinks for a moment and says, 'Give me two more just like this one!'
Jewish Tie Salesman A fleeing ISIS terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties. The ISIS terrorist asked, "Do you have water? The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5. " The terrorist shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment- I spit on your ties. I need water! ” "Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk – and only $5. ” "Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you, but I must conserve my energy and find water! ” "Okay," said the little old Jewish man, it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me, threaten my life and call me an infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need. Go In Peace! " Cursing him again, the desperate ISIS terrorist staggered away over the hill. Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead and gasped, "They won't let me in without a tie!”
A guy with an unfortunate last name joins the army. His last name has the odd distinction of having two z’s at the start of it and since everything in the military is done alphabetically, he’s always the last guy in line. One day their sergeant gets the entire company together for training. “Alright! We’re gonna have you all use dummy weapons and go out onto this course behind me, the objective is to be the last soldier standing!” The company is then instructed to get into a line (alphabetically by last name) and proceed to three separate trucks to get their weapons. Naturally our hero is the last one to get gear and when he gets up there the sergeant shakes his head and says: “Sorry son, we dont have enough rifles for all of you, so we’ve notified the rest of the company that when you walk up and yell ‘bang bang bang!’, they all know to drop like they’ve been hit.” Our hero shrugs and moves on. Same thing happens with grenades and knives; and he receives instructions similar to the first, ‘boom boom boom’ and ‘knife knife knife’ respectively. Now each time hes told to imitate shooting a rifle, throwing a grenade, and slashing knife along with the sounds. He enters the field and takes out the first guy with his ‘rifle’, yelling ‘bang bang bang!’. Sure enough the trooper falls. Next is the grenade, that works too. So does the knife, soon hes on his way to being the last one standing. Eventually he finds a hill with a single soldier standing on it. He pretends to shoot him with the tried and true ‘bang bang bang’, but nothing happens. He tries the grenade, nothing. So he runs up and yells ‘knife knife knife’ and slashes at the guy. The trooper turns, knocks our hero down and stomps over him before turning back and saying with a grin, “Tank tank tank.”
The Nun A NUN WAS SITTING AT THE AIRPORT WAITING FOR HER FLIGHT TO CHICAGO. SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES THAT TELLS YOUR FORTUNE AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, "I'LL GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE WHAT IT TELLS ME." SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER NICKEL IN, OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, AND YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO. " THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLY GIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE. THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT THE MORE CURIOUS SHE GOT SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER NICKEL IN, AND OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ: "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A FIDDLE." THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, "I KNOW THAT IS WRONG, I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE." SHE SAT BACK DOWN. FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A COWBOY CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS FIDDLE CASE ON THE SEAT BETWEEN THEM. WITHOUT THINKING, SHE OPENED THE COWBOY'S CASE, TOOK OUT THE FIDDLE, AND STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC. SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE MACHINE, THINKING, "THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN." BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS , YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND." NOW SHE KNOWS THE MACHINE IS WRONG, AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, "I'VE NEVER BROKEN WIND IN PUBLIC A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE." BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE MACHINE SHE SLIPPED, AND AS SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING TO THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND. ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND LOOKED AT THE MACHINE. SHE SAID TO HERSELF, "THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE. I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN". SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ: "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU HAVE FIDDLED AND FARTED AROUND AND MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO CHICAGO."
You Don't Believe All That Stuff, Do You? The lady replied, "Of course I do. It's the Bible." He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that. It's in the Bible." He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him." "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically. "Then you can ask him." replied the lady.
An elderly gentleman (some other old man) went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist to fill his prescription for Viagra. "How many do you want?" asked the pharmacist. The man replied, "Just a few, maybe half a dozen. I cut each one into four pieces." Upon hearing that, the pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex." The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past ninety years old and I don't even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
At a naval barracks the enlisted men were being given their shots prior to going overseas. One lad, having received his series of injections, asked for a glass of water. "What's the matter, mate?" asked the sick-bay attendant. "Not feeling well?" "No, just checking to see if I'm still watertight."
When you are too overqualified to be in a blonde joke there is a place for you in the modern "progressive" democratic party.
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had. The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leaped toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I just soiled myself." The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same." The old explorer said, "No, not back then - just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"
A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court." He smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not run a red light' five hundred times."
