Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball. After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton! Joe immediately called out to his friend, 'Jack, I've got trouble down here!' 'What's the matter?' Jack asked from the edge of the ravine. 'Bring me my wedge,' Joe shouted. 'You can't get out of here with an eight iron!'
They always say you should keep a hand on your car when getting gas so there won't be an explosion due to static discharge. My question is, how do you reach your car from your seat in Taco Bell?
A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment: put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
The Chicago police department has modified the sirens in their patrol cars. The siren has been replaced by the national anthem, rather than fleeing suspects will now take a knee.
A throwback classic: Richard Nixon, Henry Kissinger, a Catholic priest and a hippie were riding in a small airplane when the landing gear fell off. The panic-stricken pilot rushed out of the cockpit. “I’m sorry, boys, this plane’s not going to make it. There are only four parachutes and as I’m the captain I get one.” He grabbed a parachute and jumped out. Richard Nixon stood up and said, “I’m the President; the nation needs me — sorry, gentlemen….” He grabbed a parachute and jumped. Henry Kissinger jumped up shouting, “I’m the smartest man in the world! The world cannot afford such a sacrifice!” He grabbed a parachute and jumped out. The priest spoke next: “My son, you are still young – you take the last one!” “Don’t worry, father,” the hippie said. “There is a parachute for each of us – ‘the smartest man in the world’ just grabbed my backpack and jumped with it!”
An elderly priest was speaking to a younger priest. "You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm! The front of the church always fills first now."As the young priest nodded, the old priest continued, “You also told me to assign a little more beat to the music because it would bring young people back to church. So, I supported you when you bought in that rock ‘n’ roll Gospel choir. Now, our services are consistently packed.“"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.""All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest. "But, I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional." "But Father," protested the young priest. "My confessions and donations have nearly doubled since I began that!""Yes," replied, the elderly priest. "I appreciate that, but the flashing neon sign, ‘Toot 'n’ Tell or Go to Hell’ cannot stay on the church roof!"
An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said, "Sir, what is that on your shoulder?" The old farmer said, "That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go, Chuckie goes." "I'm sorry, Sir," said the ticket girl, "We can't allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken." The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the chicken began to squirm. The old farmer un-zipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie. "Marge," whispered Mildred. "What?" said Marge. "I think the guy next to me is a pervert." "What makes you think so?" asked Marge. "He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred. "Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, "At our age it isn't anything we haven't seen before." "Yes," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my popcorn!"
A huge lumberjack is interviewing for a job at a major logging company. The foreman decides to take a practical route and hands the lumberjack an ax. “Take a couple swings at that tree over there.” The foreman said. The lumberjack walks over to the tree and fells it in a single chop. “Holy smokes, you’ve got quite the arm! You’re absolutely hired, but I need to know what you can do. Try your hand at this tree over here.” The foreman points out a much larger tree. One, two swings and the tree crashes to the ground. “That’s incredible!” Cried the foreman. “Wherever did you learn to chop like that?!” “In the Sahara Forest.” Replied the lumberjack. “Don’t you mean the Sahara Desert?” Asked the foreman. “That’s why I’m here. !!!”
I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill, but instead I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car. When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried, especially me, because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to cut off the electricity, my dad beat the crap out of me again.
Haikus are easy But Sometimes they don’t make sense Refrigerator Sent from my iPhone using Bowhunting.com Forums
I had a project once where we had the Jr members of the team buy doughnuts on Fridays. To make it more fun the announcement of the doughnuts arrival was a haiku via email...
An oldy, but funny voicemail, if you've never heard it. http://www.hark.com/clips/ykvjhzrrsr-old-lady-attack-voicemail
A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon." Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh ... I know what "you've" been doing."
Lexophile" is a word used to describe those who have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best lexphillies is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end. .. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate. .. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. .. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A. .. The batteries were given out free of charge. …I can’t canoe-can you? .. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail. .. A will is a dead giveaway. .. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. .. A boiled egg is hard to beat. .. When you've seen one shopping Center you've seen a mall. .. Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. . Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. .. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired. .. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. .. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered. .. He had a photographic memory which was never developed. .. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye. .. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it. And the cream of the wretched crop: .. Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. BUT, to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair. Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result: the judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pullet surprise" as well. Clearly Butch was a Politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
A wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. She screamed at him: “You’re a pig! A pig with no honor! How dare you do this to me! I’m your faithful wife!” She was about to storm off, when her husband stopped her with these words: “Wait a minute, let me at least explain what happened!” “Fine!” sobbed the angry wife, “but they will be your LAST words to me!” “Well, while I was driving along the highway, I saw this young girl here, looking tired and haggard. I felt sorry for her, so I brought her home. She was hungry, so I made her a meal from the roast beef you thought was too fattening. Her sandals were torn so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I got you for your birthday that you don’t wear because the colors don’t suit you. Her slacks were worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that you liked before your sister bought the same pair. Then, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and said pleadingly, “Please, please, is there anything ELSE your wife doesn’t use anymore?”
When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture." The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," he reassured the man, "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."
hahaha! That is funny because I took my picture just like that, and whenever anyone asks me why I didn't smile I just say " because I won't be smiling when I get pulled over!"
