A couple were invited to a costume party but had no costume. The guy says " I still have my khakis from when I was in the service. You wear the shirt and I'll wear the pants. We'll be an upper and lower GI."
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought... He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. (Wait for it...) - She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
Good hunting jokes are pretty hard to come by, but this one made me laugh It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asks, "What are you up to?" Alice smiles and says, "I'm going hunting with you!" Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along. Later they arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife up safely in the tree stand and tells her: "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot". Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant--much less a deer. Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back towards his wife's location. As he gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming: "Get away from my deer!" Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife, and again he hears her yell: "Get away from my deer!", followed by another volley of gunfire. Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says: "Okay, lady, okay! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"
A contractor dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand. Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you." Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the contractor sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive.""Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!" The contractor is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty." "That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."
Old Man once again you topped yourself. I am going to be giving the welcome speech tomorrow morning at a training for environmental consultants you gave me my introduction.
A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in any feat of strength. He made a special point of making fun of one of the older workers. After several minutes, the older man had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he challenged. "I'll bet you a weeks paycheck that I can wheel something over to that storage shed, that you can't wheel back!" "I'll take your bet, old man," said the young hot shot. "Let's see what you've got." The old man grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in!"
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts. He communicates really well, and I just act as if I'm listening."
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Husband wanted'. Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
A frog walks into a bank and approaches a teller, who's name plate says Patrica Wack. Miss Wack, I would like to get a $50,000 loan to go on vacation Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. Kermit Jagger, my father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine for you to authorize the loan, I know your manager. Patty explains that he will have to secure the loan with some colloratoral. Sure, how about this Said Kermit as he produced a tiny porcelain elephant from his pocket about an inch tall bright pink and perfectly formed.Very confused Patty explains that she will have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. Patty walks into the bank managers office and proceeds to tell him there is frog named Kermit Jagger who claims to know you and wants to borrow $50,000 and he wants to use this as collaratoral Patty holds up the pink elephant, I mean what in the world is this? The bank manager looks back at her and says....It's a knickknack Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan, his old man is a rolling stone.
It was the end of the day when a policeman parked his car in front of the station. As he gathered his equipment, his K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and he saw a little boy staring in at him. "Is that a dog you got in the back seat there?" he asked. "It sure is," replied the policeman. Puzzled, the boy looked at him and then towards the back of the car. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
Dilbert's Salary Theorem states that Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people. This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates: Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power. Postulate 2: Time is Money. As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time Since: Knowledge = Power, then Knowledge = Work/Time, and Time = Money, then Knowledge = Work/Money. Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge. Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done. Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make. Bummer.
All Bill asked for was a little good-night kiss, but Anne haughtily rebuffed him with, "I won't do that sort of thing on our first date!" "Well," Bill replied with sarcasm, "how about on our last date?"
A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her, and having an affair with the maid. So she laid down a trap. One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn't tell the husband. That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches, and went to the bathroom. The wife promptly went into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but quickly got on top of her... When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: "You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And then she switched on the light... "No madam," said the gardener.
