A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
A young manager was leaving the office late one evening when he saw the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in her hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly!" said the young manager. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as her paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy.
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well. What's the matter?" he asks. "I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice. He says,"What the hell is anal glaucoma?" She replies,"I can't see my ass coming into work today."
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. The man watched the game in astonishment for a while. “I can hardly believe my eyes!” he said. “That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen.” “He’s not so smart,” the friend replied. “I’ve beaten him three games out of five.” Sent from my iPhone using Bowhunting.com Forums
Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service. It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass! Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home. A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home! A hooker once told me she had a headache. I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.' My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves. I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning. The other day I came home early and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.' My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer. I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling. My wife is such a bad cook. In my house we pray after the meal. My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel. My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio. I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend. I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway." I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, & asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide." My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. I'm so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said: "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect." I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. One year they wanted to make me a poster boy -- for birth control. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair. THAT'S WHY WE MISS RODNEY DANGERFIELD
Priest's Retirement Speech: You don't need to be Catholic and go to Confession to appreciate this story. Make sure you "Live by the last line!!!" A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local figure and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss's wife; had sex with his boss's 17-year old daughter on numerous occasions; taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave a STD (sexual transmitted disease) to his sister-in-law. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people. Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived, said the politician. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession. Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested… I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.
The Wednesday night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. During the service, our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand. Puzzled, the pastor said, “I don't get it. Last week many of you said you wouldn't be at church Sunday because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer.” One hunter said, "Well, preacher, it worked. They're all safe.”
Golfing and ducks. Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven. Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule: Don't hit the ducks during your first three months here. The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks, "The ducks?" "Yes", St. Peter replies, "There are thousands of ducks walking around the course, and if one gets hit, he quacks, then the one next to him quacks and soon they're all quacking to beat the band. It really breaks the tranquility, and if you hit one of the ducks, you'll be punished, Otherwise everything is yours to enjoy. ” Upon entering the course, the men noted that there were indeed large numbers of ducks everywhere. Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit a duck. The duck quacks, the one next to it quacked and soon there was a deafening roar of duck quacks. St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asks, "Who hit the duck? ” The guy who had done it admitted, "I did. ” St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks,", he said. Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity. ” The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before, and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman. He cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks," he said; “Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity. ” The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn't even play for fear of just nudging a duck. After three months, he still hadn’t hit a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months, and had with him a knock-out, gorgeous woman - the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled at the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off. The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a contented sigh and said aloud, "I wonder what I did to deserve this? The woman responds, "I don't know about you, but I hit a duck."
A Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument on the issue of polygamy. After long and tedious expositions justifying the practice, the Mormon demanded that Twain cite any passage of scripture expressly forbidding polygamy."Nothing easier," Twain replied. "No man can serve two masters."
At the URI lab, I Went out for some fresh air and saw these PETA clowns.... Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
