Grandson: "Grandpa, did you ever fight in a war?" Grandfather: "Yes, of course." Grandson: "Who won?" Grandfather: "Grandma."
What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket. "Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."
An East Indian fellow has moved in next door. He has traveled the world, has swum with sharks, has wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat!
Signs you are getting old: 1. You don't hold in your stomach when someone young and attractive enters the room. 2. You can live with out sex but not without glasses. 3. You are proud of your lawn mower. 4. Your friend is dating someone half his age, but not breaking the law. 5. You can sing along with elevator music. 6. Someone calls your house at 9 pm, and asks, 'Did I wake you up?'
A man goes in for an interview for a job as a TV news broadcaster. The interview went quite well except for one problem – He kept winking at the camera. The interviewer said, “Although you have a lot of the qualities we’re looking for, the fact that you keep winking is a real problem. I’m afraid we won’t able to hire you unless you get it under control.” “Oh, that’s no problem,” said the man. “If I take a couple of aspirin I stop winking for a couple of hours. More than enough time to get the broadcast done” “All right, show me,” said the interviewer. So the man reached into his pocket. First he put his hand in his right pocket, and as he took it out he pulled out loads of condoms of every variety and size, but no pills. Next he dug into his left pocket, and again pulled out an embarrassing amount of condoms in all shapes and colors before finally finding the packet of aspirin. He tool the aspirin and the second take went without a single hitch. The interviewer said, “That’s amazing, I’d hire you on the spot, except that we’re not in the habit of hiring such womanizers. We’ve had too many sexual harassment suits.” “Excuse me!” exclaimed the man, “I’m a happily married man, not a womanizer!” “Well how do you explain all the condoms, then?” asked the interviewer. The man sighed. “Have you ever tried going into a pharmacy, asking for aspirin and winking all the while?”
A man’s daughter turned 18 years old, and he was very glad that it was time to hand over the last alimony check he had to pay his ex-wife. He asked the daughter to approach him, and when she did he said to her, “My daughter, I want you to take this check to your mother and tell her that this is the last damn check she will receive from me for the rest of her miserable life. Tell her that. ” The girl went to give the check to her mother, and her father was very curious to know how the witch would respond. When the daughter returned, her father asked her right away: “What did your mother say?” “She said she was also looking forward to this day too because she wanted to tell you that you are not my father …”
John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. “Would you like a new mink coat?” he asks. “Not really,” says Mary. “Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John. “No,” she responds. “Would some beautiful new jewelry do the trick?” he asks, becoming slightly exasperated. “Nah…” she shrugs. “What about a new vacation home in the country?” he persists. She again rejects his offer with a “No thanks.” “Well what WOULD you like?” John asks. “John, I’d like a divorce,” answers Mary. Sorry,” John sighed. “I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
The Captain called the Sergeant in. “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Smith’s mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me.” So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. “Listen up, men,” says the Sergeant. “Johnson report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Smith, your mother died, report to the commander.” Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. “Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Smith his mother died. Couldn’t you be a bit more tactful, next time?” “Yes, sir,” answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, “Sarge, I just got a telegram that James mother died. You’d better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful.” So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. “Ok, men, fall in and listen up.” “Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward.” “Not so fast, James!”
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him. "So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home. "Great," Little Johnny replied. "Did you and daddy have a good time?" asked his mother. "Yeah, daddy really liked it too," exclaimed Little Johnny, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
Two blondes were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in. The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?" The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!" The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"
A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child "No," said another. "He's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
An 86 year old man bought lottery tickets every week. He'd forget he had them and not even check. His wife found some and checked and he had won 50 Million. She thought if I tell him he might have a heart attack and die. So she called their preacher and told him. The preacher said he'd take him to lunch and break the news gently. They went to lunch and the preacher asked him what would he do with the money if he came into a large sum? The man said well I don't need anything. The preacher said what if it were 50 million? The old man said, don't have any place for it. Guess I'd give it to you and the church. The preacher died of a heart attack.
At a Houston at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. About this time, a Texas oil rig worker who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!' He just smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
Now how can you not applaud this senior citizen's reply? A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation. "You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today are much more advanced than people your age. We grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon and the Internet. We have cell phones, nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers, automated manufacturing, amazing technologies and," pausing to take another drink of beer... The senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young...so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little poop, what are YOU doing for the next generation?" The applause was resounding...
An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his early-eighties, very well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image. Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-sixties. The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip. Then he slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me..... do I come here often?"
