I already fed and put the dogs up for the evening. As I sit here reading the forums, one of my three cats is on my lap. Loved this post!
I sit here with a dog on my lap concerned about a barn cat that has a wounded leg yet cats are not allowed in the house any more.
WE ARE PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE LUTHERAN AIRLINES IS NOW OPERATING IN MINNYSOTA! ALSO SERVING VISCONSIN, NORDERN MITCHIGEN, NORT & SOUT DAKOTA If you are travelin soon, consider Lutran Air, the no-frills airline. You're all in da same boat on Lutran Air, here flyin is a upliftin experience: - Dair is no first class on any Lutran Air flight. - Meals are potluck. Rows 1 tru 6, bring rolls; 7 tru 15, bring a salad; 16 tru 21, a hot dish, and 22-30, a dessert. - Basses and tenors please sit in da rear of da aircraft. - Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage. - All fares are by free will offering, and da plane will not land til da budget is met. - Pay attention to your flight attendant, who vill acquaint you wit da safety system aboard dis Lutran Air. Okay den, listen up; I'm only gonna say dis vonce: In da event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly gonna be real surprised and so vill Captain Olson, because ve fly right around two tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure would probably mean da Second Coming or someting of dat nature, and I wouldn't bodder with doze liddle masks on da rubber tu bes--you're gonna have bigger tings to worry about den dat. Just stuff doze back up in dair liddle holes. Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest wit you, we're gonna have quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sorta like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it. In da event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying da Lord's Prayer and just hope you get to da part about forgive us our sins as we forgive dose who sin against us, which some people say 'trespass against us,' which isn't right, but what can you do? Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not because day may confuse da plane's navigation system, which is by da pants all da way. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in da wazoo, and if God had meant you to use a cell phone, He wudda put your mout on da side of your head. We start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style wit da coffeepot up front. Den we'll have da hymn sing; hymnals are in da seat pockets in front of you. Don't take yours wit you when you go or I am gonna be real upset and I am NOT kiddin! Right now I'll say Grace: Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let deze gifts to us be blessed. Fader, Son, and Holy Ghost, May we land in Dulut or pretty close.
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?”The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said "Noreen, in Room 302.” The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.” After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Noreen is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.” The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried. God bless you for the good news.”The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Noreen your daughter?” The grandmother said, "No, I'm Noreen in room 302. No one tells me crap."
Bob goes to see his friend Pete. He finds Pete in his barn dancing naked around his John Deere. "What are you doing!" asks Bob. Pete stops dancing & says, "My wife has been ignoring me lately so I talked to my psychiatrist and he said I needed to do some thing sexy to a tractor!
My wife asked me this morning what I was going to do today. I said "nothing". She said "You did that yesterday" So I said "yeah, but I didn't finish"
Mama's Bible Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers. One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the 75th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida. The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama." The second said, “And I had a large theater built in the house." The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her." The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it." The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mama sent out her “Thank You” notes. She wrote: “Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway." "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks." "Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I’m nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same." "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much." Love, Mama
A World War II Spitfire pilot is speaking in a church and reminiscing about his war experiences. “In 1942, the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, one day, I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared!” There are a few gasps from the parishioners, and several of the children began to giggle. “I looked up, and realized that two of the fokkers were directly above me. I aimed at the first one and shot him down. By then, though, the other fokker was right on my tail.” At this point, several of the elderly ladies of the church were blushing with embarrassment, the girls were all giggling and the boys laughing loudly. The pastor finally stands up and says, “I think I should point out that ‘Fokker’ was the name of a German-Dutch aircraft company, who made many of the planes used by the Germans during the war.” “Yes, that’s true.” says the old pilot. “But these fokkers were flying Messerschmitts!”
Tasteless joke warning... Q: Why isn't the joke about the Guyana Tragedy funny? A: The punch line's too long.
Sometimes we Seniors don't Understand Directions… I went to my nearby CVS Pharmacy, straight to the back, where the Pharmacists' high counter is located. I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter. The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me. I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me? Seeing a senior citizen, the Pharmacist went along. He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue and swilled it around. Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor and began coughing. When he was finally finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked, “Now, does that taste sweet to you?" The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, "HELL NO!!!" I said, "Oh, thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!" I am not allowed to go back to that CVS, but I really don't care, because they aren't very friendly there anym
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny! NAME: Greg Bulmash. SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person. DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. SALARY: Less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes. DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely. SIGN HERE: Aries.
The Tax Return The IRS returned a tax return to a man in New Jersey after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly. In response to question 23, "Do you have anyone dependent on you?", the man wrote, "2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack-heads, 4.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons, plus 650 idiots in Washington, and the entire group that call themselves politicians." On the returned form, someone at the IRS had attached a Post-It Note beside the question with an arrow and the words, “Your response to question 23 is unacceptable.” The man sent it back to the IRS with his response on the bottom of the Post It Note, "Who did I leave out?"
Older Men Scam Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works: Two nice looking, college-age girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's. You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen March 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 29th. It also happened on April 1st, 4th, 8th, twice on the 16th &17th; and very likely again this coming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be very vigilant. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the Dollar Store and bought them out in three of their stores. Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Wal-Mart. So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon. )
