Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere! What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
In Memorium With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
I walked over to my uncles house yesterday and noticed all his chickens were all gone. I also noticed that there were shotgun shell wods laying in their cage. I said, "Uncle where are all your chickens?" He said, "I came out this morning and they all were saying BARAACKKK BARAAACKK". So I shot them." (best part of this joke...it's true)
Over at the Senior Center before lunch they play a trivia game. I've been banned for my answer to the question: "Where do women have the curliest hair?" I had no idea the answer was Fiji.
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'." Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well ...?" She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38" DD bust, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, everybody says, "Oh My God."
A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a quarter in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking, going blue in the face, and Dad starts panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed middle-aged, moderately attractive but serious woman in a Blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her Newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter. Then she gets up from her seat and makes her unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and squeezes gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects, The father rushes over to the woman and starts effusively thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before-it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" "Good heavens, no," the woman replies. "I'm a Divorce Attorney."
Actual Headlines: Married Priests in Catholic Church a Long Time Coming Prosecutors Want Victim in Courtroom During Murder Trial Reason for More Bear Sightings: More Bears Actor Sent to Jail for Not Finishing Sentence Tiger Woods Play With Own Balls, Nike Says Fireproof Clothing Factory Burns to Ground Astronomers See Colorful Gas Clouds Bubble Out of Uranus Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy Sex Offender Says Registering Will Hurt His Reputation Psychics Predict World Didn't End Yesterday Eye Drops Off Shelf Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons Jane Fonda to Teens: Use Head to Avoid Pregnancy Specialist: Electric Chair Can Be "Extremely Painful" Child's Stool Great for Use in Garden Petroleum Jelly Keeps Idle Tools Rust-Free Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing Man Tries Armed Robbery with Knife in Gun Store Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood Statistics Show Teen Pregnancy Drops Off Significantly After Age 25 Air Board to Study Fast Food Emissions Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing in Killing State Prisons to Replace Easy Open Locks Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case British Study Finds Less Traffic When Roads Close Enfields Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide Gators to Face Seminoles with Peters Out Young Marines Make Tasty Christmas Treats Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax Farmer Bill Dies in House Grandmother of Eight Makes Hole in One Hirohito's Body Moved Hospitals are Sued by Seven Foot Doctors If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While Complaints About NHL Referees Growing Ugly Stolen Painting Found by Tree Stud Tires Out Air Head Fired Women's Movement Called More Broad-Based Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents Teacher Strikes Idle Kids Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Men Recommend More Clubs for Wives
Random Thoughts 1- I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out. 2- I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now. 3- I can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably angry. 4- Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers. 5- You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body. 6- I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" get's thrown around in the courtroom. 7- I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row. 8- I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the jim this morning. 9- Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers; if you find one, exactly what's your plan?
One day a man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you a wish, but only one." The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to visit Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me seasick. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii." The genie thought for a minute and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved: the pilings needed to hold up the highway, how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask." The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "Well, there is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand my girlfriend. What makes her laugh and cry, why is she temperamental, why is she so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes her tick?" The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight to New York . After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen *****s than let liquor touch my lips." The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice.”
On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?" One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?"
A man arrived home from work one day and found his wife alone in the kitchen in a great mood, dancing and singing. "What has you in such a happy mood today?" he asked. "I had my check up today, she explained, "and my doctor said I have the breasts of an eighteen year old." "Really," the husband replied, "and what did he have to say about your fifty year old ***?" "Actually," she said, "your name never came up!"
Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?" Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them." His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother." A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?" With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much." The friend said, "Then what's the problem?" Thomas replied, "My father doesn't like her."
