Joke of the day.

Discussion in 'The Water Cooler' started by grnhd, Apr 19, 2014.

  1. grnhd

    grnhd Die Hard Bowhunter

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    I don't know if this site has ever done a joke thread, but I'd like to start one. So...here is a start. Post a joke if you got one.

    Today's Joke - Fri, 18 Apr 2014

    The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.
     
  2. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    Ben and Joe, two avid golfers, were on the third hole of their regular Wednesday afternoon round and were behind a twosome of women that were playing awfully slow. Ben finally said he’d go up and ask the women if they could play through. He walked halfway up to them, stopped, turned around, and went back to the tee box. Joe asked what was up. Ben said “I can’t ask them because one them is my wife and the other is my mistress”.
    At the next tee box Joe said he’d had enough and he’d go ask to play through. He got halfway up to them, stopped, turned around, walked back, and said to Ben “Small world, isn’t it?”
     
  3. bowhunter448

    bowhunter448 Grizzled Veteran

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    A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool. After ordering a drink and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

    The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

    The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
     
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  4. Wiscohunter

    Wiscohunter Die Hard Bowhunter

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    The other day my boss pulled into work driving a brand new sports car. When he walked in I told him how cool of a car I thought it was. He looked me dead in the eye and said "You know if you set goals, you're determined, you put in long hours, and work hard maybe next year I can get an even better one."
     
  5. The Sentinel

    The Sentinel Weekend Warrior

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    What do you call a smart blond?







    a golden retriever
     
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  6. grnhd

    grnhd Die Hard Bowhunter

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    A husband was trying to prove to his wife that women talk more than men. He showed her a study which indicated that men use about 10,000 words per day, whereas women use 20,000 words per day. His wife thought about this for a while. She then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say. Her husband looked stunned. He said "What?"

    Or try this one...

    "Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man to his friend. "Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked the friend. "I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."
     
  7. The Sentinel

    The Sentinel Weekend Warrior

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    Did you hear about the alligator that was taking Cialis? He was suffering from a reptile disfunction.
     
  8. grnhd

    grnhd Die Hard Bowhunter

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    Did you hear about the elephant who was always left out of things and thus felt irrelephant?

    What do you call a group of musical pigs?
    An oinkestra!
     
  9. bowhunter448

    bowhunter448 Grizzled Veteran

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    A kid from Mississippi is on Harvard campus for the first time, he stops a student and asks, "Excuse me, can you tell me where the library is at?" The Harvard student replies "At Harvard, you don’t end a sentence with a preposition." The kid said, "Sorry about that. Can you tell me where the library is at, *******?"
     
  10. grnhd

    grnhd Die Hard Bowhunter

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    By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded. "Or just a bed--I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope. I shut him up in no time?" "How'd you manage that?" "He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
     
  11. The Sentinel

    The Sentinel Weekend Warrior

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    A young man named Joe started a new job at a registered angus farm. He was working under an old farm hand named LeRoy. Their job for the day was to clean manure out of the bull barn. Joe unaccustomed to hard manual labor was worn out and asked Leroy, "What time is it?" Leroy knelt down beside a large bull cupped his hand and gently lifted the bull's sack. Leroy said, "3:30." Joe was hoping for something closer to the 5;00 quitting time. Some time passed more manure was shoveled. Once again Joe asked, "What time is it?" Leroy knelt beside the same angus bull cupped his hand and lifted the bulls sack. LeRoy said, "4:20." Joe in amazement said, "You mean you can tell what time it his by feeling that bull's sack?" Leroy motioned Joe closer. LeRoy knelt once again lifted the bull's sack pointed and said, "See that clock over there?"
     
    Last edited: Apr 29, 2014
  12. MnMoose

    MnMoose Grizzled Veteran

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    Peter, John, and Jesus are at the driving range. Peter and John just bought brand new Callaway clubs, and invited Jesus to come with as they tested them out. Peter and John were loving their new clubs, especially how far they could drive with their new drivers. So they turned to Jesus and Peter said, "Lets do a two versus two match, John and I will be one team, and you can pick anyone here for your partner." As he said this all three turned to look at the rest of the hot shot golfers at the driving range. Seeing nobody that he wanted for a partner, Jesus turned toward the putting range and saw an old man working on his putting game. Jesus said; "I'll choose him for my partner." Both Peter and John gave him funny looks, but not wanting to offend Jesus, just replied "Alright then, lets get started."

    At the first hole, Peter goes first. Since he just got done at the driving range, he was thoroughly warmed up and had an excellent drive. His ball landed on the green of a par 4 about 30 feet from the hole. Next was John, and not being quite as good as Peter, he landed his ball a bit short of the green, but still a very good drive. Now it was Jesus's turn. Jesus was still using his old clubs, and he hadn't been golfing as much and Peter and John. He swung, and as soon as his club hit the ball, he knew it was a bad shot. His ball was flying straight for the water trap on the right side. Just when it was a foot off the water a trout jumped, hitting the ball strait up in the air. At the peak of the balls upward trajectory, an eagle flew by grabbing the ball with its talon's as it flew toward the green. Once over the green, it dropped the ball about 4 feet from the hole. As the ball landed a squirrel, nervous of the eagle, decided to dash to safety on the other side of the green, running into the ball on the way and knocking it into the hole. It was Jesus's first hole in one. Peter and John were speechless. Jesus turned to his partner and said "Thank you, Father."
     
    Last edited: Apr 29, 2014
  13. bowhunter448

    bowhunter448 Grizzled Veteran

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    The one that I heard was with Moses, Jesus and another guy. Moses hit it in the water hole, so he split the water hole and chipped it up. Jesus hit it into the water hole, so he walked on the water and chipped it in. The other guy hits the ball and it goes through the motions in your joke and lands in the hole. Moses looked at Jesus and said "I hate playing golf with you Father."
     
  14. MnMoose

    MnMoose Grizzled Veteran

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    Oh, I like that version too! This is the way that I heard it but i may change next time I tell it to that
     
  15. bowhunter448

    bowhunter448 Grizzled Veteran

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    A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little Johnny. ''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.''

    The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'' Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''

    The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.''

    ''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your thinking.'
     
  16. MnMoose

    MnMoose Grizzled Veteran

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    Iove this one, makes me want to do elementary again


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
     
  17. Aaron

    Aaron Grizzled Veteran

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    How do you know if you have stumbled into a gay bar?

    When a gentleman walks up and asks if he may push your stool in for you, you look down and see that it's bolted to the floor.
     
  18. The Sentinel

    The Sentinel Weekend Warrior

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    Bill walks into a bar and orders a beer. He notices a large glass jar cram packed full of $20 bills on the bar. Bill asked the bartender about the jar of money. The bartender tells Bill the bar has an ongoing contest that cost $20 to enter and the winner receives the entire jar of money. The bartender informs Bill three task must be completed. First the bar bouncer Bruno must be knocked out with one punch, second task is to make sweet love to the bars 88 year old owner Ethel who lives above the bar, third to remove an absessed tooth from the bars guard dog. Quick math told Bill the jar must contain 4-5 grand. The bartender pointed out Bruno a 6'4" and 250lb biker type. He the led Bill out side and pointed out a viciuos 92 lb slobbering growling pitbull restrained by a logchain. Then Bill was led upstairs to the door leading to Ms Ethels apartment. The bartender motioned Bill to peer through the key hole. Bill saw an obese elderly woman surrounded by cats watching tv. Bill caught a strong whiff of cat pee and hurriedly returned to his stool. 2 hours and 12 beers later Bill found his nerve. He staggered over to Bruno, tapped him on his shoulder, and as Bruno turned around Bill caught him with a right punch that knocked him out cold. First task completed Bill then staggered out the bIack door to complete task number two. Still in awe over bouncer Bruno's k.o. a hush fell over the bar. A horrible ruckus could be heard inside the bar. Screaming, growling, and crashing could be heard for several minutes. Suddenly the sounds of a whimpering dog could be heard . Bill staggered into the bar scratched, bitten, bloody, and clothes ripped to shreds. After stopping for a few seconds to catch his breath Bill straightened his collar, tucked in his shirt, and asked, "Now where's that old hag with the absessed tooth?"
     
  19. Afflicted

    Afflicted Grizzled Veteran

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    Yeah:) I tell that one a lot. Great joke
     
  20. bowhunter448

    bowhunter448 Grizzled Veteran

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    Enclosed is my 2005 Form 1040, together with payment. Please take note of the attached article from "USA Today" archives. In the article, you will note that the Pentagon paid $171.50 each for hammers and NASA paid $600.00 each for toilet seats. Please find enclosed in this package four toilet seats (value $2,400.00) and six hammers (value $1,029.00). This is in payment for my total tax due of $3,429.00. Out of a sense of patriotic duty, and to assist in the political purification of our government, I am also enclosing a 15 inch Phillips head screw driver, for which HUD duly recorded and approved a purchase value of $2200, as my contribution to fulfill the Presidential Election Fund option on Form 1040. It has been a pleasure to pay my taxes this year and I look forward to paying them again next year in accordance with officially established government values.

    Sincerely, Another satisfied American taxpayer.
     

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