Madam Devereaux opened the brothel door in New Orleans and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "May I help you sir?" she asked. The man replied, "I want to see Valerie." "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else" said the madam. He replied, "No, I must see Valerie." Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. "There are no discounts. The price is still $5000." Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" The man replied," New Brunswick ." "Really," she said. "I have family in New Brunswick ." "I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your$15,000 inheritance." The moral of the story is that three (3) things in life are certain: 1. Death 2. Taxes 3. Being screwed by a lawyer!
Dear Abby, My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge* credit card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off,* he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest. Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more. Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next he's on his knees 5 times a day with Muslims. >> Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so horribly creepy! Can you help me. Lost --- --- --- --- --- Dear Lost, Suck it up and stop whining, Michelle. You're getting to live in the White House for free, travel the world, and have others pay for everything for you. You can divorce the jerk any time you want. The rest of us are stuck with the idiot for 3 more years. Signed, Abby
8 Reasons men die younger than women. I tried to copy the images but couldn't get them right so here is the link to the page. 8 Reasons Why Men Die Before Women | Interesting Emails Men,,,,, we are pretty ingenious.
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.
A sale man knocks on the front door of a house and an 8 year old boy answers wearing only underwear with a cigar in his mouth and a playboy magazine rolled up under his arm. The sale mans is taken back but ask but ask, hey young man is your mother or father home? The little boy looks up, takes a long drag on the cigar and says " What do you Think"?
A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"
At a restaurant, one of the customers noticed that all of the waiters had two spoons in their vest pocket. Upon being asked, the waiter said, "We see that the most frequently dropped silverware are spoons, therefore we keep them for replacement." Then the customer noticed that a string was hanging out of all the waiters' flies and asked what the string was for. "The string is for us to go to the bathroom," explained the waiter, "that way, when we pull it, it shoots and aims right away. Then we don't have to stop to wash our hands." The customer asked, "Well, that's how you get it out, but how do you get it back in?" The waiter whispered confidentially, "I don't know about the others, but I use the two spoons."
A blond a brunete and a red head all enter a swimming contest. The rules are to swim 1/4 of a mile up river and back using the breaststroke. so they take off a short amount of time later here comes the brunete for 1st place... Shortly after here comes the red head... No sight of the blond so they wait and wait, finally a couple hours later here she comes, when she gets back they ask her why it took her so long. she replies you two cheated you used your arms.
What is the difference between a dead lawyer lying in the road and a dead skunk? Skid marks in front of the skunk.
A priest had to go pee but needed to stay and listen to confessions, when a janitor passed by the priest said "Hey could you sit in here and listen to confessions while I go the restroom?" The Janitor replied " Well I dont even know what to do." "Just give them a few hail marys and send them on their way" said the priest So the janitor agrees and the priest leaves. At that moment a woman comes in and says "Forgive me father but I have committed a horrible sin... I had sex yesterday." The Janitor was in shock and knew this was more serious than just a few hail marys. So he opened the door to see an alter boy walking by and asks "Hey kid what does the priest give for sex?" The alter boy states in a normal voice "Usually a Snickers and a Pepsi."
30 good lines: 1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. -He thought he was God and I didn't. 2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 3. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me! 4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 6. Don't take life too seriously--no one gets out alive. 7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. 8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 10. I'm not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing. 11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine. 13. God must love stupid people; He made so many. 14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. 16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it! 18. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up. 19. Procrastinate now! 20. I have a degree in Liberal Arts; do you want fries with that? 21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance 23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere! 24. They call it PMS because Mad-Cow Disease was already taken. 25. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead. 26. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory. 27. Ham and eggs: A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. 28. The trouble with life is there's no background music. 29. The original point-and-click interface was a Smith and Wesson. 30. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
An anxious 15 year old girl comes home from school. "Mom," she asks tentatively, "can you get pregnant from anal sex?" "Don't be silly of course you can," replies her mother, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"
Two wives having a conversation Sunday morning... -So how was your evening Friday? It was awful, my husband showed up late for a dinner I had spent all day preparing, gulped it down in less than 4 minutes, then after we had sex, it lasted less than 3 minutes, then rolled over and fell asleep in less than two minutes... How about you? Oh, for me it was Fantastic! When I got home from work my husband was already there. He invited me to the restaurant for a very romantic dinner. After dinner, we walked together for an hour. When we got home, he lighted all the candles in the house. Then the foreplay lasted an hour and we made love for another hour! Later, we talked for another hour before falling asleep. It was awesome! At the same time the two husbands were also discussing. -So, how was your evening Friday? It was awesome, got home the dinner was ready, after dinner we had sex and then I fell asleep like a baby! -How about yours? Mine was pure hell, got home early to fix the fridge that was making noise. Blew the electrical circuit out and was never able to put it back on... Then the wife got home. Only way to not get in trouble was to take her out for dinner... The meal was so expensive that I didn't have enough money left to take a cab and had to walk all the way back home. Of course we we got home, still no power so I had to light up every single candle in the house just to be able to see something. Then she wanted to have sex, but I was so pissed off that it took me an hour just to get it up and another hour to finish it... After that, still pissed off it took me another hour to fall asleep, and she just wouldn't shut up ...
Two hunters were walking down the trail, all of a sudden one of them drops unconscious on the ground... His buddy grab a cell phone and dials 911 right away. ''My friend is dead right next to me, what do I do?? Operator: Calm down sir! first we have to make sure he is actually dead... ..... Silence on the line..... then a detonation sound..... OK.... now what do I do??
An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively. "I would like it infrequently ", she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"
Things to ponder: I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?" Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt." If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
True Story, but still funny... On a logging job in the Rockies a few years back, one of the riggers on the hill got face to face with a cougar one morning. At first the cougar was just looking at him standing on a log just above. The rigger started to try to move away, but the cougar followed him. Not knowing what to do, he got on the radio and called Mike the foreman to explain what was happening. Mike said:'' Yell at him, he'll go away'' I did, and it just looked at me with it's ears pinned down... Mike: ''Toss a few sticks at him then'' Pause... Just did, and now he's really pissed off, he's hissing and showing me it's fangs now, what do I do?? Mike: '' All right!, just plug your radio into the loudhailer and crank up the volume to the max. When it's done call me back and I'll scream as loud as I can in the radio, that should take care of it!'' Pause...Ok, it's done... Mike: ''Here Kitty kitty, come here Kitty Kitty!!
