Three people arrive at the gates of Heaven. St Peter is processing them in. “Name and occupation, please?” The first one says “Andrea Smith, I was a doctor.” “Of course. Doctors who save lives are allowed. Come in. Next?” The second one says “Megan Jones, I was a nurse.” “Of course. Nurses who care for the sick and wounded are allowed. Come in. Next?” The third one says “Michael Davis. I was a hospital administrator and then a health insurance CEO and I supervised hundreds of doctors and nurses and in my hospitals there were thousands of people getting well.” St Peter pulls out a large book and starts referencing long tables and figures. Finally he says “Okay, we can approve you for a one week stay.”
A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up. The judge asked the husband, “What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?” The husband said, “In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing.” The wife said, “Seven weeks.”
I think my wife has been putting glue on my pistol and rifle collections. She keeps denying it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
A 5-year-old said grace at a family dinner one night. “Dear God, thank you for these pancakes. ”When he concluded, his parents asked him why he thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken. He smiled and said, “I thought I’d see if he was paying attention tonight.”
The foreman on a contracted job started bawling out one of the men, "I've had slow men on jobs before but you are the slowest I've ever seen. Is there anything you are quick with?" "Well," yawned the workman, "nobody can get tired as quick as I can."
A spiritualist who'd recently been widowed met a colleague and reported excitedly that she'd just received a message from her dead husband - asking her to send him a pack of cigarettes. "The only thing is," she mused, "that I don't know where to send them." "Why not?" asked her friend. "Well, he didn't actually say that he was in Heaven - but I can't imagine he'd be in Hell." "Hm," responded the friend. "Well, maybe I shouldn't bring this up, but. . . he didn't mention anything about including matches in the package, did he?"
Hey everyone a friend of mine has two tickets for the 2023 National Championship Game both box seats. He paid $2,500 each, comes with ride to and from airport, lunch dinner and $400.00 bar tab and back stage pass to the winners locker room. But he didn't know when he bought them, that it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place... It's at Southside Church, in Warner Robins at 3pm. The brides name is Ashley, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, she's a good cook and loves to fish, hunt and clean.....She'll be the one in the white dress. Serious inquiries only Sent from my iPhone using Bowhunting.com Forums
A drunk man was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order." The drunk immediately responded, "Thank you, your Honor, I'll have a Scotch and soda."
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class." Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?" The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think." The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?" The old man said, "I thought it was gas - but I was wrong, too!"
The wonders of water: If you’re feeling down, try drinking a pint of water before going to bed. It’ll give you a reason to get up in the morning.
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know, but you know deserves it… I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying ‘Hello.’ I politely said, ‘This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?’ Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear ‘Get the right f***ing number!’ And the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn’s correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled ‘You’re an *******!’ And hung up. I wrote his number down with the word ‘*******’ next to it, And put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, ‘You’re an *******!’ It always cheered me up. When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic ‘*******’ calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, ‘Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID Program?’ He yelled ‘NO!’ And slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, ‘That’s because you’re an *******!’ And hung up. One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a ‘For Sale’ sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first ******* (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I’d better call the BMW *******, too. I said, ‘Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?’ He said, ‘Yes, it is.’ I then asked, ‘Can you tell me where I can see it?’ He said, ‘Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd. , in Fairfax It’s a yellow ranch style house And the car’s parked right out in front.’ I asked, ‘What’s your name?’ He said, ‘My name is Don Hansen.’ I asked, ‘When’s a good time to catch you, Don?’ He said, ‘I’m home every evening after five.’ I said, ‘Listen, Don, can I tell you something?’ He said, ‘Yes?’ I said, ‘Don, you’re an *******!’ Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea… I called ******* #1. He said, ‘Hello’ I said, ‘You’re an *******!’ (But I didn’t hang up.) He asked, ‘Are you still there?’ I said, ‘Yeah!’ He screamed, ‘Stop calling me’ I said, ‘Make me.’ He asked, ‘Who are you?’ I said, ‘My name is Don Hansen.’ He said, ‘Yeah? Where do you live?’ I said, ‘*******, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax, a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.’ He said, ‘I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.’ I said, ‘Yeah, like I’m really scared, *******,’ and hung up. Then I called ******* #2. He said, ‘Hello?’ I said, ‘Hello, *******,’ He yelled, ‘If I ever find out who you are…’ I said, ‘You’ll what?’ He exclaimed, ‘I’ll kick your ass’ I answered, ‘Well, *******, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.’ Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax . I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax . I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew. NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work!!!
Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company. Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money." The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we'll provide you with a new barn of similar worth." There was a long pause, and then Susan replied, "If that's how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband."
A woman met her husband at the train station after work for the ride home. He looked haggard, so she asked, "Rough day?" "You bet it was," he groaned. "Our computers were down, and we had to think all day long."
1. "To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde 2. "The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers 3. "We must recognize that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis 4. "Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci * 5, "Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane 6. "Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir * 7. "I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane 8. "The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain 9. "Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson *10. "Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller 11. "I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner 12. "I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller 13. "Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns 14. "Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner 15. "First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg 16. “Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins 17. “Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben 18. "Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash * 19."It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." – Unknown 20. "At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns 21. “I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." – Unknown 22. "Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton 23. "The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot 24. "At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell * 25. "At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers * 26, "When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns 27. "I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault 28. "The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." – Unknown 29. "As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom 30, “It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
31.“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon 32. “The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino 33. "You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza 34. "I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin 35. "I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope 36. "I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer 37. "All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker 38. "I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." – Anonymous * 39. “By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns 40. “Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier 41. "Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien 42. "I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein 43. "Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie * 44. "You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner 45. "When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain 46. "You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett 47. "There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg 48. "I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings 49. "At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." – Unknown 50. "Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns * 51. "The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu 52. “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns 53. "People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns 54. "Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." – Anonymous
