THE BANISTER OF LIFE 1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People. 2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary. 3. The difference between the Pope and your boss is, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring. 4. My mind works like lightning - one brilliant flash and it's gone. 5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. 6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood. 7. It used to be only death and taxes. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too. 8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house. 9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can. 10. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment... for enjoying sex. And, as you slide down that Banister of Life.... you should pray that all the splinters are pointed the other way. - The merciful end -
A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town. To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given. He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked. "I am." said the man. "I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?" The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one." "No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said. "Here's your chicken." said the farmer.
A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey. "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise."
So a cowboy is riding his horse through the desert… When he comes across an Indian laying on the ground butt-naked with an erection. “Howdy! Whatcha doin?” the cowboy asks the Indian. “It’s an old trick we use to tell the time of the day” the Indian says. “Boy that seems like a nifty trick! What time is it, then?” the cowboy inquires. The Indian glances down at his penis and says, “almost 10 in the morning.” The cowboy thanks the Indian for the time and travels on. A few hours later, he stumbles on another naked Indian laying on the ground with an erection. “Howdy partner, what time is it now?” the cowboy asks. The Indian glances down and says, “Just a little past 2 in the afternoon.” The cowboy thanks him kindly and mosies on. A few hours later he finds yet another naked Indian, but this one is stroking his penis pretty vigorously. “Howdy partner, I saw your two friends earlier could tell me the time, but what are you doing?” The cowboy asks. “Just winding up the clock.” Sent from my iPhone using Bowhunting.com Forums
Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says “Where in the hell have you been?” He replies, “I was out getting a tattoo. ”A tattoo?” She said angrily. “”What kind of tattoo did you get?” “I got a hundred dollar bill on my pecker.” “What the hell were you thinking?” She said, shaking her head in rage; “Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?” “Well, For one; I like to watch my money grow, and two; once in a while I like to play with my money, three; I like how money feels in my hand and lastly; instead of you going out and shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want. Sent from my iPhone using Bowhunting.com Forums
3 old ladies were sitting on a park bench. A flasher comes over and rips open his raincoat. The first old lady had a stroke. The second old lady had a stroke. The third old lady couldn't reach it. Sent from my iPhone using Bowhunting.com Forums
Enjoy some word abuse: An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. I didn’t think the chiropractor would improve my posture. But I stand corrected. I took my new girlfriend out on our first date to the ice rink, and entry was half price. She called me a cheap skate. Studies show cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them. It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder. I used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery. She was in charge of the hops. My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. I found out she was seeing someone on the side. My wife claims I’m the cheapest person she’s ever met. I’m not buying it. Did you know that a raven has 17 rigid feathers called pinions, while a crow only has 16. The difference between a raven and a crow is just a matter of a pinion. I told my carpenter I didn’t want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own incision? Suture self.
A man was in a tattoo shop getting some new work done. The artist was known to be quite an airhead , but everyone agreed he did amazing artwork. So there he was working on this feller. A portrait of an Indian that was a full back piece. At one point the client tells the artist “Oh yeah, I want the Indian holding a tomahawk. I think that’ll look awesome.” The artist replied, cool as a cucumber. “A tomahawk huh? Woah , easy there fella. One thing at a time. I haven’t even finished his turban yet.”
A skydiver jumps from a plane but nothing happens when he pulls his rip-cord. He pulls the cord on his secondary chute, but this too is broken. As he is hurdling toward the earth, he sees a man coming straight up toward him. ‘Hey!’ shouts the skydiver. ‘Know anything about parachutes?!’ ‘No!’ shouts the man. ‘Know anything about gas barbecues?!’ Sent from my iPhone using Bowhunting.com Forums
My friend made fun of me for being a wrestling fan. He said, "You know that stuff is fake right?" I said, "So, are your wife's boobs, but I still enjoy them for three hours every Monday night." Sent from my iPhone using Bowhunting.com Forums
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to New York and the other to Washington. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other. At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch. “Where you wanna go?” “Hooters.” “Why Hooters?” “They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs.” “You’re on.” At age 42, they meet and play golf again “Where you wanna go for lunch?” “Hooters.” “Again? Why?” “They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games.” “OK.” At age 52 they meet and play again. “So where you wanna go for lunch?” “Hooters.” “Why?” “The food is pretty good and there’s plenty of parking.” “OK.” At age 62 they meet again. After a round of golf, one says, “Where you wanna go?” “Hooters.” “Why?” “Wings are half price and the food isn’t too spicy.” “Good choice” At age 72 they meet again. Once again, after a round of golf, one says, “Where shall we go for lunch?” “Hooters.” “Why?” “They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts.” “Great choice.” At age 82 they meet and play again. “Where should we go for lunch?” “Hooters.” “Why?” “Because we’ve never been there before.” “Okay, let’s give it a try.”
There are some things that even an Old Man can't forget. The problem lies in the same venue as the dog chasing the car...... What's the dog going to do if he catches a car...... he can't drive it?
A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The cashier says: "You must be single?” The man replied: “Wow how did you know that?” Cashier: “Because you’re not that good looking.”
Two sailors are talking..... Sailor A: “I hear fish is good brain food.” Sailor B: “Yeah, I eat it all the time.” Sailor A: “Well, there goes another theory!”
An old man went to the college that he went to when he was a youth. He knocked on room number 3 of the hostel and said: "May I come in. I lived in this very room thirty years ago when I studied in this college". A young man opened the door and let him in. The old man examined the room, fondly remembering everything. He said, "The same old room, the same old wooden table, the ventilator and the same old window that opens to the garden. And the same old bed." When examining it he found a young girl under the bed. The young man got alarmed and said, "Don't mistake me. She is my sister. She dropped her ear ring and is searching for it." The old man said, "And the same old story..."
