I yelled “COW!” at a woman on a bike. She flipped me off and then ran straight into the cow!! I tried!!!
A man went to the doctor. He said, “Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something’s wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you’ll hear it!” The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man’s thigh only to hear, “Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks.” “I’ve never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on.” The doctor asked. “That’s nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee.” The doctor put his ear to the man’s knee and heard it say “Man, I really need 10 bucks, just lend me 10 bucks!!” “Sir, I really don’t know what to tell you. I’ve never seen anything like this.” The doctor was dumbfounded. “Wait Doc, that’s not it. There’s more, just put your ear up to my ankle,” the man urged him. The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, “Please, I just need 5 bucks. Lend me 5 bucks please if you can.” I have no idea what to tell you,” the doctor said. “There’s nothing about it in my books,” he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. “I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg appears to be broke in three places.”
My mom hired a handyman and gave him a list. When she got home only #1, #3, and #5 were done. Turns out he only does odd jobs.
Two archeologists, exploring a remote mountain in Tibet came across a huge granite statue which resembled a sitting man. It stood almost 400 foot tall, and its bodily details were accurate down to the fingernails and teeth. "It looks real enough to talk," says one. "Lets try," says the other and turning to the statue he asks it its name. No answer. "How old are you?" No answer. Finally. one shouts out, "What is the square root of 64?" Suddenly, the mountain shakes as the giant statue rises onto its feet and puts its hand on its chin. Then after about ten seconds, the statue answers in a roaring voice, "Eight." "Of course!" says the scientist, "... It only stands to reason."
Wasn't sure if you guys heard about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He just recently won the "no-bell" prize.
Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding... Wouldn't you know that a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen. The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, boy?" Bob thought for a second and said, "Uh, 60?" "67 miles per hour, son! 67 miles per hour in a 55 zone!" said the cop. "But if you already knew, officer," replied Bob, "why did you ask me?" Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled and said in his sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good close look at Bob in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!" Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!" The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish, and said, "What kind of job would a bum like you have?" "I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob. "What did you say, boy?" asked the patrolman. "I'm a rectum stretcher!" The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?" Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, then one whole hand, and then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across." The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six-foot assh*le?" Bob said, "You give him a radar gun and place him by a bridge.
Did you hear about the house that the lesbians built? It was all tongue and groove and they put it up lickety split.
A woman was sipping a glass of wine while relaxing with her husband. “I love you so much, she said, I don’t know how I could live without you. Her husband asked, “Is that you or the wine talking?” She replied, “It’s me, talking to the wine”
A fly feels a bug on its back. “Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite?” it asks. “I mite be” giggles the mite. “That’s the worst pun I’ve ever heard” groans the fly. “What do you expect?” says the mite. “I came up with it on the fly.”
After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room. Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking was helping. His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. Sammy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it, then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Daddy, do it again!!!"
A woman sends a text to her husband, "Honey, don't forget to go buy the bakery and buy some bread on your way home so that your girlfriend Valerie can greet you when you get home. Husband replies: "Who's Valery?" Wife: Nobody. Just wanted to confirm that you got this text to get bread. Husband: But I'm with Valery right now and was afraid that you saw us. Wife: What???? Where are you? Husband: Right near the bakery. Wife: Wait! I'm coming right now! Five minutes later the wife texts her husband. I'm at the bakery. Where are you? Husband: I'm at work. Since you're at the bakery, why don't you pick up some bread?!?!
A slightly drunk woman is watching television and starts yelling at the TV, "Don't go in there! Don't go into the church you dumb *$!@#$." Her husband hears her and asks, "What in the world are you watching?" Wife replies, "Our wedding video!"
I love waving at random people. You know that they are going to spend the rest of the day trying to figure out where they know you from!
John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers. Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught. At trial, the judge condemns Mary to ten years in prison, while John gets two years. However, once they get to their respective prisons, they discover that due to a clerical error John will be serving ten years and Mary only two. Despite of her insistence, John convinces Mary to keep quiet about it. After two years Mary gets out and she continues to visit John faithfully every month and they exchange letters and phone calls regularly for the remainder of his ten years. Finally, after he does his time, John gets out and is joyfully reunited with Mary. They get married and move to a different state and start anew, leaving their life of crime behind. They raise a family with children and grandchildren and eventually reach old age, after having lived a happy marriage. On their 50th wedding anniversary party, the entire family and friends are gathered. A great celebration is had, with many laughs and stories, recounting their life together. The conversation turns to the secrets to a happy marriage. One of the guests asks Mary why she decided to stick with John while he was in prison, despite all of the hardships. Mary answers: “Well… you know you have found the One when you finish each other’s sentences.”
My flat-Earther friend said he would walk to the end of the Earth to prove his point. Eventually, he came around.
