It was the annual homecoming dance at the local high school gym. Most of the young folk were out on the dance floor but a few young men and women lined the sides of the gym, hoping for a dance partner to ask them out onto the dance floor. After waiting anxiously for quite a while, a rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming. She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child." "Please forgive me," responded the underclassman. "I didn't realize you were pregnant."
Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, A Marine husband called home to tell his wife he would be late - again. He went on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they had to discipline the whole squad. She launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so his new platoon should not be penalized for something trivial. The husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained, "Dirty magazines: the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned."
A man goes on his dream vacation to Spain. While there he sees amazing sights, drinks great wine and dances til late at night. After a few days he starts to get a weird pain in his chest and decides to go to the hospital to check it out. He gets an X-ray and the doctor tells him he has a tumor and they need to operate immediately. The doctor tells him that he has to remove the mans nipple during the surgery. Faced with losing his nipple or his life, the man quickly agrees to surgery. As he’s waking up from surgery, the Doctor says it was a complete success. The man looks down and sees his nipple is still there. Man: But Doctor, I thought you were going to remove the nipple? Doctor: I did, thats a tattoo! Man: Wow, I didn’t know you were a tattoo artist as well. Doctor: Yea. No one Expects the Spanish Ink Physician!
One day, a lawyer finds a genie’s lamp. The lawyer rubs the lamp, and the genie comes out. “You have three wishes,” the genie says. “The only rule is that you can’t wish for more wishes.” After thinking for a while, the lawyer finally says, “I wish the word splork were interchangeable with the word wish. Next, I wish your initial injunction pertained only to the concept of wishing paired with the particular word wish as opposed to the concept itself, which you were merely signifying with that word. Aaaaand I splork for infinite splorks.” The genie sighs and says, “This is why nobody likes lawyers.”
To the lady at Costco this afternoon with the child on a leash. I’m sorry I asked if he was a rescue. The profanity wasn’t necessary but thank you for not siccing him on me.
A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock that night. They got dressed quickly. Then the man asked his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked, thinking him pretty weird. The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I can not tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late." The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes, and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"
A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him out cold. A Passersby pulled him from the wreckage and revived him. He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he had calmed down, they asked him why he had struggled so. He said, a bit sheepishly, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of this huge, flashing sign. Turns out somebody was standing in front of the 'S' on the 'Shell' sign
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish” “Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.” Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
A man starts his new job at an insane asylum. He is given his orientation and at the very end asked if he has any questions. “Yes, how do we know if a patient is ready to leave the asylum?” “Well,” the director says. “We just ask them a simple question and based on their response determine if they need to stay longer.” The director then calls up three patients for a demonstration. He asks the first one, “what’s is 6 times 6?” The patient is shaking and nervously says “1000?” The director shakes his head “no, give this one six more months,” then turns to the next patient. This one jumps up and down and screams “February!” “Oh god no!” Says the director. “Another year for this one!” Finally, he turns to the third patient who looks at him calmly and says “well, the answer is obviously 36.” “Yes!” Exclaims the director. “How did you know that?!” “Easy, I just divided 1000 by February.”
A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of making any official requests to the tower he said, "Guess who?" The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where?"
There were two old men in a restaurant in Kissimmee florida and they were arguing about how to pronounce Kissimmee. One said kiss im me the other said kiss a me they said let's ask someone else and they went to the cashier and said can you settle an argument for us? Tell us how to pronounce where we are and go slow. He looked at them and said Buuuurrrrrgerrr kiiiinnng
At the retreat, a couple was told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.' The woman wrote: "When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and that they respect each other very much, just like Sam and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act physical sex with one another." And Sam wrote: "I love sex."
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?" "I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests." "I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?" "Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."
A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting “Monster!” “Murderer!” “Killer!” The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect. The policeman : Tell me what happened. The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either crash the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into the direction of a single person. Am I a monster for deciding to swerve into the single person? Policeman : No, that sounds like a difficult yet reasonable decision to make. But tell me how did you end up killing 11 people? Suspect : Well that a$$#ole ran towards the other 10.
A wife sent a romantic text to her husband one day. It read, “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, sent me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.” The husband replied, “I am on the toilet. Please advise.”
