A minister delivered a sermon in 10 minutes one Sunday morning, which was about half the usual length of his sermons. He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning. "After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher and said, "Reverend, if that dog of yours has any pups, I want to give one to my minister."
There was a family gathering, with all generations around the table. Mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into the Old Man's drink. After a while, the Old Man excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom. When he returned, however, his trousers were wet all over. "What in the world happened?" he is asked by his concerned children. "Well," he answered, "I don't really know. I had to go to the bathroom, so I took it out and started to pee, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!"
That is funny Elkguide. Just so you know it isn't my family gathering you're telling a story about, there are no teenagers at our family gatherings, mischievous or otherwise.
When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison. To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it. When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago. Interviewer: “So, tell me about yourself.” Me: “I’d rather not. I kinda want this job.” I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. I had my patience tested. I’m negative. If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?” When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is new midnight. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever. I run like the winded. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?” When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminium can stuffed with celery? I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited. When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.” Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life outta nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
Be careful with those viagra. I know a guy that got one caught in his throat and he had a terrible stiff neck for four hours.
Not really a joke but this is the only place that I can see to put this. Makes you think about where we came from. --------------------------------------------------------- TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's! First, we survived being born to mothers Who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn't get tested for diabetes. Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-base paints. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps not helmets on our heads. As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes. Riding in the back of a pick-up truck on a warm day was always a special treat. We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this. We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And, we weren't overweight. WHY? Because we were Always outside playing....that's why! We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day and we were O.K. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride them down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem. We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable. No video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's. No cell phones. No personal computers, no Internet and no chat rooms. WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them! We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us Forever. We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them. Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. If YOU are one of them? CONGRATULATIONS! You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good . While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave and lucky their parents were. Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it ?
I find it funny that the kids who play video games all day inside on “chat rooms” or being bailed out from breaking the law are by the parents who grew up in those times. Hahahahaha everyone complains about how the kids are these days but let’s now forget who raised them.. lol 2016 bear escape Black eagle Spartans NAP Double Cross Ohio
In the UK, some supermarkets have admitted there is horse meat in their all-beef burgers. Including giant Tesco, a supermarket chain in the UK that's owned by WalMart. Within hours of the news that Tesco's 'all beef hamburgers' contained 30% horse meat, these hit the Internet. I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse. I guess Tesco just listened! Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or neigh? Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle. Had some burgers from Tesco for supper last night. I still have a bit between my teeth. A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco. Her condition is listed as stable. Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn. Tesco is now forced to deny the presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers confuse barcodes for serving suggestions. I said to the missus, "These Tesco burgers give me the trots. " "To beef or not to beef, that is equestrian." I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse d'oeuvres. These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit.… talk about flogging a dead horse. Last night the wife made meatloaf, so I had dinner with two nags. Since they're selling the meat wrapped in plastic, is that technically a "Trojan Horse?" Instead of choosing "rare, medium or well done, it's now Win, Place or Show" At first, I thought, "Oh great, I've been saddled with another email to forward, but something spurred me on."
AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST. AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?" THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO." A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET. THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON. THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS. THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS. THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?" THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO. THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US: 1 - Never be arrogant. 2 - Don't waste ammunition. 3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are. 4 - Always make sure you know who has the power. 5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid. Sent from my iPhone using Bowhunting.com Forums
Put me in coach - I'm ready! Happy Super Bowl Sunday! In honor of today's game, some quotes. "Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble the football." - John Heisman "I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game." - Bear Bryant / Alabama " It isn't necessary to see a good tackle, you can hear it!" - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame "At Georgia Southern, we don't cheat That costs money, and we don't have any." - Erik Russell / Georgia Southern "The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it." - Lou Holtz / Arkansas - Notre Dame "When you win, nothing hurts." - Joe Namath / Alabama "A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall." - Frank Leahy / Notre Dame "I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation." - Bob Devaney / Nebraska "In Alabama, an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant." - Wally Butts / Georgia "I never graduated from Iowa. But I was only there for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's." - Alex Karras / Iowa "My advice to defensive players is to take the shortest route to the ball, and arrive in a bad humor." - Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee "I could have been a Rhodes Scholar except for my grades." - Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State "Always remember Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David." - Shug Jordan / Auburn "I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me" He said, "Well, Walt, we took a look at you, and you weren't any good." - Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State "Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel." - Bobby Bowden / Florida State "Football is NOT a contact sport, it is a collision sport. Dancing IS a contact sport" - Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post-game message to his team was, "All those who need showers, take them." - John McKay / USC " If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education." - Murray Warmath / Minnesota "The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb." - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame "We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches." - Darrell Royal / Texas "We didn't tackle well today, but we made up for it by not blocking." - John McKay / USC "I've found that prayers work best when you have big players." - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame Ohio State 's Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words." --------------------------------------------------------------- Why do Auburn fans wear orange? So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday and pick up trash on Monday. What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs? Drool. How many Michigan freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb? None. That's a sophomore course. How did the Auburn football player die from drinking milk? The cow fell on him. What do you say to a Florida State University football player dressed in a three-piece suit? "Will the defendant please rise." If three Rutgers football players are in the same car, who is driving? The police officer. How can you tell if a Clemson football player has a girlfriend? There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck. What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room? A full set of teeth. University of Michigan Coach Jim Harbaugh is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week; the other half will have to dress themselves. How is the Kansas football team like an opossum? They play dead at home and get killed on the road. Why did the Tennessee linebacker steal a police car? He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche. How do you get a former University of Miami football player off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.
So aliens from Mars comes down to Earth and they’re friendly! The leaders of the world and the aliens plan a huge televised event where the leaders can ask questions on whatever they want. During this event, the pope is up to talk to the aliens. “I know this question may sound odd to you gentlemen,” the pope starts to ask, “but I was wondering if you and your kind knew about Jesus Christ?” “Jesus Christ?!?” the alien leader exclaims, “how do we not! He swings by our planet every two years or so. Awesome guy!” Now this obviously starts a huge debate within the UN, as this information now has implications to everything they knew. The pope, however, is not exactly a happy person as his brain is on other information. “EVERY TWO YEARS OR SO?!?” The pope exclaims, “We’ve still been waiting for his SECOND coming!” Trying to calm down the pope, the aliens say “Well maybe he didn’t like your chocolate.” The pope, upon hearing this news, takes a few moments to calm down. When he finally regains his composure, he states calmly, “Forgive me, but what does chocolate have anything to do with this?” The aliens respond, “Well when he was on our planet, we would give him huge boxes of chocolates. Why, what did you guys do when he was here?”
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.” The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.” “Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle, “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.” She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?” “Ummmm…I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever. “My, my,” said the Poodle, “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.” She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?” The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, “Liver alone, cheese mine.”
A driver tucked a note under the windshield wiper of his automobile saying, "I've circled this block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park in this no-parking zone I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses." When he came back, he found a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled this block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Little Johnny what is your problem?" Little Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!" The teacher had had enough. She took Little Johnny to the principal's office. While Little Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Little Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Little Johnny: "9". Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Little Johnny: "36". And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Little Johnny can go to the third-grade." The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Little Johnny both agree. The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Little Johnny, after a moment, "Legs." Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question! Little Johnny replied, "Pockets." Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Little Johnny: "Pants" Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? Little Johnny: Coconut The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Little Johnny was taking charge. Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? Little Johnny: Bubblegum Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer. Little Johnny: Shake hands Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay? Little Johnny: Yep. Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. Little Johnny: Tent Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. Principal was looking restless and bit tense. Little Johnny: Wedding Ring Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. Little Johnny: Nose Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. Little Johnny: Arrow Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement? Little Johnny: Firetruck The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Little Johnny in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."
An elementary school class goes on a field trip to the police station. The Officer points to the 10 MOST WANTED list and tells them that these are the most wanted fugitives in the USA. Little Boy says " He is the MOST WANTED in the USA?!"Officer says "yes". Little Boy asks "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
