Did you guys know the toothbrush was invented in Maine? I know this because otherwise it would be called a teethbrush. I am from Maine, so it's okay.
I heard it was invented in Alabama. Years ago, the satellite dish was considered to be the Alabama state flower. OK, these are the same jokes, just the state is changed.
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
Da Ebonics Crimmus Pome Wuz danite befo Crimmus; And all obba da hood; Ereybody day wuz' sleepin'; Dey be sleepin' real good. We hunged up our stockings; An hoped like de' heck; That old Santa Clause; He be bringin' our check. All o'de fambily; Wuz layin in dey beds; Ripple and Thunderbird; Danced through dey heads. I passed out inna' flo; Right nex to my Maw; When I hert sech a fuss; I thunk: "It mus be da law!!!" I looked out thru de bars; What covered my doe; 'spectin' de sheriff; Wif a warrant fo sho. And what did I see; I said, "Laawd look at dat!!" It' wuz dis huge watermellon; Pulled by giant warf rats!! Now obber all'a deez years I thinkin Santa Clause, he be white; But it looks liken us; Gets a black Sanna dis nite. Faster dan a Po'lees car; My home boy he come; He whupped on dem warf rats; An' called dem by name! On Lonzo, on 'Leroy; And on Willie Lee; On Saphire, on Cheneequa; Ohhh, Dey wuz a site to see!! As he landed dat watta' mellon; Out der in da skreet; I knowed it was fo' sho'; Da damndest site I ebber did see. Dis Santa didn't not go down no chimbley; but picked da' lock on my doe; An' I sez to myself; "****!! Dis brotha done dis befoe!!!" He brung wit him dis big bag; Full of prezents I 'spect; Wid Air Jordans and gold; To wear roun' my neck. But he be leevin no prezents; Jus started stealing my ****; Got my drugs, got my guns, Got my crack pipe, still lit!! Wit alla my stuff in de bag; Out da winda he flewed; I woudda' tried to cut him; But he stoled my 'nife too!! He jumped on dat wadda' mellon; An' whipped out a switch; He wuz gone in a seccon'; Dat son of a *****!! Next year I be hopin': Anutha Sanna we git; Cuz' diz here Sanna Clause; Jus' ain't werf a ****!!!
My granddaughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $30! Screw that, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his son polar bear were sitting in the snow. The son polar bear turned to his father and asked, "Dad, am I 100% polar bear?"" Of course, son, you're 100% polar bear." A few minutes pass, and the son polar bear turns to his father again and says, "Dad, tell me the truth. I can take it. Am I 100% polar bear? No brown bear or panda bear or grizzly bear?" "Son, I'm 100% polar bear and your mother is 100% polar bear, so you're certainly 100% polar bear." A few more minutes pass, and the son polar bear again turns to his father and says, "Dad, don't think your sparing my feelings if it's not true. I really need to know... am I really 100% polar bear?" Distressed by this continued questioning, the father polar bear finally asked his son, "Why do you keep asking if you're 100% polar bear?""Because I'm freezing my a$$ off out here!"
