A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror… She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment.” The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.” Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar. The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you." The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five". The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?" "No" says the boy, "he minded his own ******* business." Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Do you believe in miracles? Well, I didn't either until I saw this young miracle worker restore the vision of a blind panhandler right on the street!
Taco Bell is selling fries. Burger King is selling tacos. KFC is putting Cheetos on chicken sandwiches...…. I knew we shouldn't have legalized marijuana.
A father spoke to his son, "It's time we had a little talk, my son. Soon, you will have urges and feelings you've never had before. Your heart will pound & your hands will sweat. You'll be preoccupied and won't be able to think of anything else."He added, "But don't worry, it's perfectly normal... it's called golf."
A young man had just finished stocking the turkey freezer display when an older lady standing nearby approached him and asked, “Young man, do these turkeys get any bigger?” “No ma’am” he replied, “these turkeys are dead.”
Shot my first turkey today! Went really well, except for the little old lady in the frozen food section that nearly had a heart attack.
I was putting up Christmas lights yesterday. I fell off a 32' extension ladder. Good thing I was only on the first rung.
A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side committal service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. He arrived a half-hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch. The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service. As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "Think we should tell him it's a septic tank?"
“I spent five dollars for a weather app on my phone. I got two dollars and fifteen cents back in 'climate change'.”
The brand new edition of "You know you're a redneck when...." 1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. 2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter. 3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. 4. You burn your yard rather than mow it. 5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive. 6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture. 7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it. 8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial. 9. You come back from the dump with more than you took. 10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. 11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat 12.. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list. 13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower. 14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. 15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program. 16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. 17. You have a rag for a gas cap. 18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does. 19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean. 20. You can spit without opening your mouth. 21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it. 22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. 23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side. 24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart. 25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. 26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table. 27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements. 28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back. 29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty. 30 You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65
Me: Sweet dog you got there Policeman: Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog. Me: Still in training, huh? Policeman: What do you mean? Me: Nevermind.
I asked my Scottish friend how many sexual partners he's had. He started counting but soon fell asleep.
