I just picked up a new dog, he only responds to commands spoken in spanish, guess that is what I get for buying a spaniel.
An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, “Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth.” Reflecting, the man says, “I’ll take the wisdom.” “Wisdom is yours,” says the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, “I should have taken the money!!!"
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I’d like to buy some cyanide.” The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?” The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.” The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he explained, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband, that’s against the law? I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!” The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”
A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time?" He replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If Elected I promise...'"
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner “Mom & Pop” grocery store picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. “Oh, no laundry,” the boy said. “I’m going to wash my dog.” “But you shouldn’t use this to wash your dog. It’s very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he’ll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.” But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog. About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. “Oh, he died,” the boy said. The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, “I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.” “Well,” the boy replied, “I don’t think it was the detergent that killed him.” “Oh, what was it then?” “I think it was the spin cycle.”
As a kid I was talked into playing space man in the clothes dryer that had the glass window in the door. My brother turned the dryer on, I can appreciate the spin cycle.
It was a funny joke! Some people just need a reason to be butt hurt lol Sent from my iPhone using Bowhunting.com Forums
ALCOHOL Because no great story ever started with “one time while I was eating this salad”... Sent from my iPhone using Bowhunting.com Forums
I was pulled over last night and the officer asked me if I had a police record. I told him, “No, but I have a couple albums by Sting.” He didn’t laugh.
A man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day. "What for?" he snapped at the judge. His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!" Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now." The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."
A fly feels a bug on its back. “Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite?”, it asks. “I mite be”, giggles the mite. “That’s the worst pun I’ve ever heard”, groans the fly. “What do you expect?”, says the mite. “I came up with it on the fly!”
A son calls his mother. Mom how are you. Mom replies. Not too good. I haven't eaten in 38 days. Replying with concern, the son asks "what's the matter mom, are you not feeling well, have you been to the doctor?" Mom replies, “Not that, I didn't want to have my mouth full of food when you called."
