apologies if this was already posted A young man takes a summer job as a salesman at one of those “Mega Stores” that sells everything under the sun, however because he has no sales experience his sales manager tells him he is going to keep a close eye on him and will check back in a few hours to see how he is doing. After a few hours, the sales manager asks the kid how much he has sold, and the kid tells him $119,817.52. The sales manager can’t believe it and asked what he sold. The kids says, “well I sold this guy some fishing hooks, which led to me selling him 10 rods and reels and 5 tackle boxes filled with lures. Then I asked him what kind of boat he had, and he told me he didn’t have a boat so I took him to the fishing boat section and sold him the top model we had with the 250 hp engine and trailer. Then I asked him what he was gonna pull the boat with and he said he had a Honda Civic. I told him a Honda Civic couldn’t pull that new boat, and ended up selling him a decked out 3/4 ton 4x4 truck with the off-road and tow packages.” The sales manager couldn’t believe it, and said “let me get this straight, a guy comes in to buy some fishing hooks and you ended up selling him all that stuff?” The kid says, “ he didn’t come in to buy fishing hooks, he came in to buy tampons for his wife. I told him it looked like his weekend was shot to hell and he should just go fishing”.
A man is skydiving, enjoying his free-fall, when he realizes that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute. So he pulls on the rip cord, but nothing happens. “No problem,” he says to himself, “I still have my emergency chute.” So he pulls the rip cord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens. Now the man begins to panic. “What am I going to do?” he thinks, “I'm a goner!” Just then he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him. He can't figure out where this man is coming from, or what he's doing, but he thinks to himself, “Maybe he can help me. If he can't, then I'm done for.” When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts down, “Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?” The other man replies, “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”
Dad: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up! Doctor: Wow! That’s the worst case of parking sons disease I have ever seen.
Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, Orders three pints of Guinness & sits in the corner of the room, Drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar & ordered three more. The barman says,” You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it.............................. Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time." Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America & de odder in Australia & here I am in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder." The barman admits that this is a nice custom & says no more. Patrick becomes a regular customer, & always drinks the same way ....... Ordering three pints & drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished. One day, he comes in & orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice & fall silent. When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops & he starts to laugh, "Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis me ................ I've Quit Drinking!"
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!" The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?" Guido signals back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!" The lawyer signals to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Guido trembles and signals, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house. The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
I’m sorry if this one has been told before. But I saw this and knew you would get a laugh out of it Old Man Sent from my iPhone using Bowhunting.com Forums
Three dinosaurs stumble across a magic lamp. They rub it, and a genie appears. “I have three wishes, so I’ll give one to each of you,” the genie announces. The first dinosaur thinks hard. “Alright,” he says, “I’ll have a big, juicy, piece of meat.” Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he’d ever seen appears in front of him. Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder. “I know! I’ll have a shower of meat!” Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him. The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs. “I’ve got it!” he cries, “I want a MEATIER shower!”
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problem he has getting a close shave around his cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem" says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"
AOC and her buddy Bernie were talking, when AOC said, "I hate all the dumb AOC jokes people tell about me." Wise Old Bernie, feeling sorry for his young sidekick, said sage-like, "Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you." Now Bernie, to patronize AOC, took her outside and hailed a taxi driver. "Please take me to the Senate buiilding to see if I'm there," said Bernie. The cab driver without saying a word drove them to the Senate, and when they finally got out, Bernie looked at AOC and said, "See! That guy was really stupid." "No kidding," she replied "There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."
There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when she happened upon a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since she had had her last meal, she flew down and began to eat. She ate and ate. Finally, she decided she had eaten enough and tried to fly away. She had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As she looked around wondering what to do, she spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. She climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once she got airborne, she would be able to take flight. Unfortunately she was wrong and she dropped like a rock, and smashed when she hit the floor. Dead! THE MORAL OF THE STORY Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of crap!
A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were heavily laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line. When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!" "Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have here, you'll be home in no time."
A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am. He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month. As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77. The man thinks, “Hmmmm… all these sevens… I think the universe is trying to tell me something.” So feeling that maybe this is his lucky day, the man cuts out early from work and goes to the race track. He reads the racing schedule and sees that in the seventh race horse # 7 is called “Lucky Universe”. The man can’t believe it. He runs up to the teller and bets all his money on the horse. The horse came in seventh.
