My friend once told me, “ You have a B.A., a Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot.” It was a third degree burn.
A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened. The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye." "Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked. "Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."
An angry wife says to her husband, “I should’ve married the devil he would’ve made a better husband than you!” The husband responds, “You would’ve been arrested because marriage between relatives is illegal in this country!”
A woman walks into a Ferrari dealership. She browses around, then spots the car of her dreams. She walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the leather upholstery, a small fart escapes her. Extremely embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed, and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. But as she turns back, there standing next to her is a handsome young salesman. "Good day Madam, how may I help you?" Very uncomfortably, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this fabulous vehicle?" He answers, "Madam, I'm afraid I can't say. If you farted just touching it, you're going to crap yourself when you hear the price."
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read,"...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said'Holy Sh*t! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
My grandpa always says, “When one door closes, another opens.” He was a good man, but a lousy cabinet maker.
People who don’t know a burro (donkey) from a burrow (ground that has been dug) don’t know their ass from a hole in the ground.
A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice. "Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective."
A nurse came in and said “Doc, there’s a man out there who thinks he’s invisible. What should I tell him?” The Doc said “Tell him I can’t see him today. “
A bald man had a real hang-up about his lack of hair. He had tried all types of treatment, but without success. Then one day he passed a barber’s shop with a sign in the window that read: “Bald Men. Your Problems Solved Instantly. You Too Can Have a Head of Hair Like Mine For Five Hundred Dollars.” And beneath the sign was a photo of the barber with his flowing mane of hair. So the bald man went into the shop and asked the bartender, “Can you guarantee that for $500 my hair will instantly look like yours?” “Certainly,” said the barber. “It will take no more than a few seconds for us to look exactly alike.” “Okay then,” said the bald man, handing over the money. “Let’s go for it.” The barber took the money and shaved his own hair off.
I don't know if Germ has ever liked a joke here but here goes..... Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die. Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says, “You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.” As in her former life, Merkel wanted to tackle every challenge given and therefor goes first. She notices the swamp barely reaches her ankles and thinks, “Well, that‘s what you get for lying. At least, I did it for a better Europe.” Curious about how the others are doing, she looks behind her and sees Putin covered in mud up to his knees. Furiously, she shouts, “This is impossible! Your reign was a dictatorship, you influenced world politics and economics to your benefit and you’ve achieved all that only by telling lies. How is it possible you‘re only knee-deep in this swamp?” Calmly, Putin answers, “Hush! I‘m standing on top of Donald and he hasn‘t noticed yet.”
Old Man, he would have had to be standing on ten Donalds to be that high out of the muck. On the bright side, membership in both parties is decreasing. Now if only the parties no longer controlled primary elections. Two republicans and a democrat see a homeless guy. One of the republicans reaches in his pocket and pulls out a quarter, gives it to the guy, and says, "don't spend it all in one place." The democrat is shocked, and says," that's disgusting." So he turns to the other republican and asks for a 20. He then hands it to the homeless man and says, "remember who took care of you."
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything." "That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything." The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.
Bob in the kitchen: “Alexa,,, Play some Mozart” ALEXA,,,Play some Mozart!” Wife in the living room: “Bob stop it! Alexa is out here. You’re talking to the tuna fish can!”
It was graduation night at Cox High School and they were about halfway through the ceremony when the principal said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a problem, Bubba is a few credits short and won't be able to graduate tonight." Well now, Bubba was the starting right guard for Cox's football team, and when the student body heard that he wasn't going to graduate, they all jumped up and started to chant, "Give Bubba another chance, give Bubba another chance!" Pat Dye and the principal had a quick conference and afterward, the principal announced that they have decided to give Bubba another chance. Bubba is told that he will be given a "One Question" math test and if he passes, he can graduate. The question is, "What is 2 plus 3?" Bubba thinks for about 20 minutes and finally says, "I have it! The answer is 5!" There is complete silence in the auditorium for a couple of seconds and then the entire Cox High School football team jumps up and begins to chant, "Give Bubba one more chance. Give Bubba one more Chance!"
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large." Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows." The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?" The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"
Teacher: "You are the only one in the entire class who makes so many mistakes in the homework assignment." Student: "That is not true, I am not the only one. My parents are involved in this as well!"
A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One of them transfers to another city and they’re lost without him. A new woman joins their club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, “I played on my college’s golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week? “No one wants to say ‘yes’, but they’re on the spot. Finally, one man says … Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m. He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late. They roll their eyes, but say, “Okay”. She’s there at 6:30 a.m. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She’s fun and pleasant, and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles and says, “I’ll be there at 6:30 or 6:45.” The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They’re totally amazed. They can’t figure her out. She’s very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her. The third week, she’s 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she’s so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can’t hold a grudge. This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, “How do you decide if you’re going to golf right-handed or left-handed?” The lady blushes and grins. “When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous,” she replies. “I like to switch back and forth.” “When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his Willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed.” The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, “What if it’s pointing straight up?” She says, "Then I'm fifteen minutes late."
