I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, “I want you to try and sell this to me.” So I grabbed it and ran out of the building. Eventually, he called my mobile and said, “You idiot, bring it back here right now!” I said, “$600 and it’s yours.”
Jack calls an ambulance for his friend who has been hit by a car. The operator asks for his location. Jack says, “I’m outside 28 Eucalyptus Road.” The operator knows there is no room for error and for clarity asks, “How do you spell that?” There’s shuffling and sounds of straining at the other end of the phone. “Jack?” says the operator, concerned. More shuffling and grunting. “Sorry about that,” says Jack. “I just dragged him ‘round to 1 Oak Street.”
Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a bar. Sylvester Stallone says, “Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I’m all out of ideas at the moment, I’m kind of bored with the standard action flicks.” Chuck says, “Guys, I’m bored of doing action movies too and I’ve got some ideas but you may not like them.” Sylvester says, “Let us hear it.” So Chuck continues, “All right, this may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers.” That’s when Arnold throws himself in the conversation and says, “That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can be Beethoven!” “And who will you be, Arnold?” “I’ll be Bach.”
An 85 year old man is having his annual physical. The Doctor is asking him how he's feeling. The old man says, "I've got an 23 year old bride who's pregnant with my child..what do you think about that?" The doctor considers this for a moment, and then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle..BAM!! The beaver drops dead in front of him." The old man says, "That's impossible.. someone else must have shot the beaver." The Doctor says, "My point exactly."
Kyle and Justin were about to eat with their babysitter when 6-year-old Kyle said, "You can't sit in Daddy's seat!" "Daddy's not home," the babysitter replied. "Since I'm responsible for you while he's gone, I can sit here. Today, I'm the boss." Justin, the 4 year old, quickly piped up, "If you're the boss, you sit over there in Mommy's chair.
Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?" The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years." "What was the result?" "It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him. And then that stupid letter arrived!"
A frustrated father told his work colleague: "When I was a youngster, I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But in my son's room he has a color TV, computer, game console, cell phone, iPad and DVD player." "So what do you do?" The father replied: "I send him to my room!"
A guy was acing his interview when the employer asked, "Well, you look great but I see here there was a 7 year gap since your last job, what happened there?" The guy says, "Oh, I went to Yale." The Employer: "Oh, great! Well, you're hired, you start Monday." Guy: "Yay! I got a yob!"
There are two kinds of people. Those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
I went to a French Zoo. There was a baguette in a cage, so I asked the keeper what that was about and apparently it was "bread in captivity."
I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.. The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.
I once dated a professional tennis player.. But I had to end it when I realized love meant nothing to her.
PASSWORD PROBLEMS: WINDOWS: Please enter your new password. USER: cabbage WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters. USER: boiled cabbage WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character. USER: 1 boiled cabbage WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces. USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one uppercase character. USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one uppercase character consecutively. USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbages YouStupidIdiotGiveMeAccessNow! WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation. USER : IWillHuntYouDown50Bloo dyBoiledCabbagesYouStupidIdiotGiveMeAccessNo w WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.
On the Canary islands, there are no living indigineous canaries. Same with the Virgin Islands...no canaries there either.
You can tell the gender of an ant by dropping it in water. If it sinks it's girl ant.. If it floats, it's boy ant.
