"My boyfriend and I had hardly finished one argument when I screwed up and started another one," said Jill. "How'd you do that?" asked Margaret. "Well," says Jill, "you know when you're done with a big fight and your significant other suggests a little 'make-up sex'?" "Yeah," says Margaret. Jill replies, "I guess it wasn't the right time for me to ask, 'Does it have to be with you?'"
An old man, a big-time sports fan, was watching a football game with his grandchildren. He had just turned 70 and was feeling a little wistful. "You know," he said to his grandson, Nick, "it's not easy getting old. I guess I'm in the fourth quarter now." "Don't worry, Grandpa," Nick said cheerily. "Maybe you'll go into overtime."
After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery. Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone. “I thought you were a ghost,” says the relieved teen. “What are you doing working so late?” “Oh, those idiots,” grumbles the old man. “They misspelled my name!”
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked: "Will I be acquitted?"
Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim. After taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. “You see,” Carl says “for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it’s components.” Jim is skeptical, but intrigued. Carl continues, “For the last five years, I’ve been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It’s perfect, because the guards just think it’s rats chewing on it.” So Jim asks, “Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?” Carl says, “Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we’ll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers.” Jim, disgusted, says “You have got to be kidding me!” And Carl says, “I s#!t. You knot.”
A man takes his dog to a talent scout and says, “I’ve got a talking dog, let me show you!” Man: “Okay boy, what is the top of a house called?” Dog: “Roof!” Man: “Where’s the worst place to hit your ball when golfing?” Dog: “Ruff!” Man: “Who’s the best baseball player of all time?” Dog: “Ruth!” Now annoyed that the man was wasting his time, the scout kicked the couple out of his office. The dog looks up to his master and says, “Maybe I should have said Joe DiMaggio?”
A man in the bar offers to bet anyone $100 that his dog can talk. At first everyone is dubious, but after the man clarifies he means complete grammatically correct sentences, and they make sure there are no hidden devices on the dog, several bets are made. The man: Well, Charley? Charley lifts his paw. The man: Charley, come on, say something. Charley barks once. The man: Charley, what is it, now? Say something in English. Charley clearly doesn’t understand what the man wants from him and is getting visibly nervous. Finally the man has to give up, pays the lost money, and leaves with Charley. After walking a few blocks in the rain the man asks sadly: “Why did you do that?” “Just imagine how much we’re going to win there tomorrow.”
Harold and Al were on a small chartered airplane when the pilot suddenly had a heart attack. "Don't Panic," cried Harold heroically. "I'll land this baby!" Seizing the controls he headed for the runway at LaGuardia Airport, and began wrestling the diving plane to the ground. Just as the wheels touched the ground, Al screamed, "Red lights!! Right in front of you!" Immediately Harold threw the engine in reverse and jammed on the breaks, bringing the plane to a violent stop just inches from the edge of the lights. "Brother!" he puffed, wiping his brow. "That sure was a short runway!" "Yeah," agreed Al, looking side to side, "but look how WIDE it is."
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist While you guys were busy arguing about the glass of water, I drank it. Sincerely, The Opportunist.
I've never made money in a bar. It's always cost me and only the thing I've ever got out of it is a hangover.
A passenger train is creeping along, painfully slowly. Finally, it creaks to a complete halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. "What's going on?" she yells out the window. "Cow on the track!" replies the conductor. Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walking by again. She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"
A pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only 10 minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for two hours and 48 minutes. The congregation has to mob him to get him down from the pulpit, and they ask him what happened. The pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, by mistake he put his wife's teeth in and couldn't stop talking.
A man working with an electric saw accidentally saws off all 10 fingers. He rushes to the emergency room. The doctor says, "Give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do." "But I don't have the fingers!" "Why didn't you bring the fingers?!" asks the incredulous doctor. "Doc, I couldn't pick them up."
Two guys are out drinking when one of them falls off his bar stool and lies motionless on the floor. “One thing about Fred,” his buddy says to the bartender. “He knows when to stop.”
