A lawyer, let's call him Bill, boarded a flight in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked the blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator for the duration of the flight. He told her he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer and threatened what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand". Not a hand went up......So she took them home and ate them. There are two lessons to be learned here: 1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are. 2. Blondes aren't as dumb as people think they are.
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?"
This message is for those who appreciate the finer points of the English language used correctly. His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly. "May I ask you a question, My Lord?" "Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship. "I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain." "What word is that?" asked His Lordship. "Aplomb," My Lord. "Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure." "Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused about it." "Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?" "I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them." "Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?" "I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs. "While Will was plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply." "I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief." "That evening the hole the rose made in his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut his venison for him, even though it was extremely tender." "Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening." "And do you remember the next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Will in a loud voice, 'Darling, does your prick still throb?' And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee ? That, Carson, is complete composure, or aplomb.”
The Will Mr. Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. The nurse, his wife, daughter and 2 sons, are with him. He asks that 2 witnesses be present and a camcorder in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak: "To my son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses." "My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end." "My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre. “Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the east bank of the river.” The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize the extent of his real estate holdings, and as Mr. Smith slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have worked very hard to have accumulated so much property”. To which the wife replied with a frown on her face, "The old coot had a paper route."
Two fish are in a tank. One looks to the other and says, "You man the guns, I'll drive!" Two soldiers are in a tank. One says to the other, "Blubblubblubblub"
A devout Catholic man has just boarded a plane, and he's really dreading the long flight ahead. All of a sudden, the pope boards and takes a seat right next to him! What an honor! The man sits there, thinking about how best to conduct himself and what to say, when the pope takes out a golf pencil and starts doing a crossword puzzle. Wow, His Holiness does crossword puzzles? the man thinks. I hope he asks me for help. That'll be my in for a wonderful conversation! Sure enough, the pope leans over and asks the man "do you know a four-letter word for a woman that ends in U-N-T?" Oh no. The man is speechless. He sits there, terrified but trying his best to put on a pensive face, for about 30 seconds. The pope won't speak to me this whole flight if I say what first came to mind... Then it hits him! "Oh!" he says. "AUNT. The word you're looking for is 'aunt', Your Holiness." The pope calmly nods. "Ah, of course," he says. "Do you have an eraser?"
Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night. “Certainly, madam,” he replied courteously. “Is the restaurant open still?” inquired Mary. “Sorry, no,” came the reply, “But room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?” Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. “Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please,” said Mary. “Certainly, madam,” he replied. “And can I have breakfast in bed?” asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. “In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please,” Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night. The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk. “Morning, madam…Sleep well?” “Yes, thank you,” Mary replied. “Food to your liking?” “Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don’t think I have had better. Shame about the eggs though….They really weren’t that nice at all,” replied Mary truthfully. “Oh…Well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book.We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion,” said the receptionist. “OK, I will…Thanks!” replied Mary, who checked out and then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey. Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written. “Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!”
A guy in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move. “No thank you,” she said politely. “This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I’m keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.” “That must be rather difficult,” the man replied. “Oh, I don’t mind too much,” she said. “But it has my husband pretty upset.”
The owner of a drugstore walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall with an odd look on his face. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here at 7 A.M. to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives." The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him----he's afraid to cough!"
Fishing on the lake, a famous admiral and an equally famous general were fishing together when a sudden squall came up. When it died down both eminent warriors were struggling helplessly in the water. The admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the general, using an oar. Catching his breath, he puffed: "Please don't say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found I can't swim I'd be disgraced. "Don't worry," the general said. "Your secret is safe. I'd hate to have my men find out I can't walk on water."
Flying Southwest Airlines A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago . The little boy, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked , ‘If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?’ The mother, who couldn’t think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, ‘If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?’ The busy flight attendant smiled and said, ‘Did your mother tell you to ask me that question?’ The boy said, ‘Yes, she did.’ ‘Well then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time, and ask her to explain that to you.’
I live in constant fear that Trump will deport my Latino Mother In Law who live at 1837 3rd St, LA 90023 Blue house. She gets off work at 6.
My Latino mother in law got her citizenship when she came to the country and just retired at age 78. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Tom?" "Tom had a nasty fall and broke both of his legs. He's a couple of miles back up the trail." "You left Tom laying out there and carried the deer back!?!" "A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Tom!"
