A woman decided to have face lift surgery for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35,"he replied. "I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy. After that she went into McDonald's for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, "Oh, you look about 29." "I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good. While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age." There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47." Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening. As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there. As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She looked at him and smiled. "Jeeves," she said. "Take off my dress." He did this carefully. "Jeeves," she continued. "Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her. "Jeeves," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties. " As he did this, the tension continued to mount. She then said, "Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"
A seventy-eight year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman." "What's wrong with that?" asks the young man. Between the sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You can't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and we have more sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have a perfect relationship. Why are you crying?" The old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."
An Avid Sportman and hunter, Tim decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, not long after the honeymoon, he was getting his equipment ready for an upcoming hunt. His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand-loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat." Tim gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?" "You were beginning to sound like my ex-wife." "Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!" He replied, "I wasn’t."
A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper. "Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?" "Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll." He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft as a bunny, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll." Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll." "Give me the No Name," she says. She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne." "Why?" he asks. "Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap off anybody!"
A fisherman known to over harvest walleyes finally caught the attention of the local game warden. The warden decided to set up in the brush to catch the violator in the act. After the man was returning to the truck with a bucket full of walleyes the warden popped out of the brush to bust the violator. When confronted by the warden the man explained that the bucket full of walleyes were actually pets, and each day he would take them to the river to let them get their exercise. Then when they were tired out he would whistle and the fish would jump back into the pail and he would take them home. The warden was extremely intrigued and insisted that he witnessed it for himself. The man gladly walked to the river with the warden and dumped them into the river. After several minitues the warden said "ok now whistle the fish back" The man looked at the warden with a puzzled look and asked... "what fish?"
Not so long ago two good friends from college decided to have a ten year reunion. One was a successful certified public accounted who lived in San Francisco. A rising star in his field, he invited his buddy to fly back to the States for a unique reunion trip. This friend was a fashion designer born, raised, and living in Prague, a Czechoslovakian. The two friends boarded their respective planes, one from San Francisco International and the other from Prague and the two were reunited in Anchorage Alaska, ready to set out on a four day bear hunting expedition. The two men had secured an all expenses paid expedition, every last detail minutely addressed. Hotels, back-country lodging, outfits, weapons, four by fours, everything down to the last bullet was there waiting as they caught a bush-plane flight into the interior of the state. As with most hunts, there was paperwork to be filled out prior to delving into the woods, and the two friends pulled into the ranger station late one afternoon to sign the necessary forms. While doing so, they made small talk with the ranger who quickly realized the two city boys had never held a gun in their lives before, much less gone hunting. Working an extra hour over time, he taught the men as much as he could about gun safety and hunting, and before signing off on the last form, pulled a map and told the men about his secret hunting spot some miles down a little used trail. "Fellas, I've been here 20 years and it never fails that there are at least two griz in that clearing..." The two men thanked him and headed off, ignoring the exasperated smile on the rangers face. Faced with two green as grass hunters, the old hand realized the two would be hard pressed to find his spot, and if they did, the trigger happy buddies would make short work of any scrawny black bear this did come across. Plus, he could charge them the cost of skinning the next day. Late that night, the ranger was awoken by a awful pounding at his front door. Since he was next to the ranger station and 'on call'. he opened the door to find the CPA from California an absolute mess. Blood streamed down his face, his clothing was torn, and between great sobs he managed to gasp out that a bear had attacked and eaten his friend. A man eating bear was of great concern, so the ranger quickly packed his gear, grabbed his bear rifle, and headed off to the scene of the grizzly crime with the CPA. On arrival, the two men found not one, but two griz, fast asleep in the early morning. One was a trophy male bear, easily one of the largest the ranger had ever seen. The other was a smaller, almost scrawny looking thing, far more commonly found in this part of the state. Around the two were scattered bits of tent, camping gear, food, and a few bloody bits of the poor fashion designer. Asked to identify which bear had attacked and eaten his friend, the Californian was suddenly faced with a moral crisis. He was reasonably sure the smaller bear was the one that had devoured his buddy. Yet, the other bear was an amazing specimen, which would look great on the floor of his living room. A true trophy male... "Ranger, I think it was the bigger one there." Sure enough, the ranger set up, shot, and dispatched the bigger bear and the smaller one ran into the woods. The creature was opened up, and no human remains could be found. And the moral of this story, my friends, is that you should never, ever, trust a CPA when he says the Czech is in the male.
A politician is walking down the street when he is suddenly attacked. The assailant says, “Give me all your money.” The politician says, “Do you know who I am? I’m an important government official.” The mugger says, “Fine, give me all my money.”
A Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties. The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water? The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5." The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment - I spit on your ties. I need water! "Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk - and only $5." "Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you, but I must conserve my energy and find water!" "Okay," said the little old Jewish man, it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need...Go In Peace! Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead and gasped, "They won't let me in without a tie!
Hillary the devoted wife! When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, “I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.” In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I am so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?” Bill thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.” Hillary was shocked, but said, “Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem.” Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, “So why do you have all that money in the box?” Bill answered: “Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash.”
The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over. 20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. 19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people? 17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job. 16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer. 15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead. 14. Bad cop. No donut. 13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you? 12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence. 11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops? 10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds? 9. I pay your salary 8. So uh, you on the take or what? 7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning. 6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. 5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me. 4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist. 3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control. 2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum. 1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
I can rake with a good stick bet I could put the biscut in the basket without getting hit by shot more often than not. The way we used to pick a good stick if you could roll more than a dime under the curve, then again that was back in the day when a good stick was made of wood.
