A man was being interviewed for a job. "Were you in the service?" asked the interviewer. "Yes, I was a marine", responded the applicant. "Did you see any active duty?" "I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability." "May I ask what happened?" "Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs, I lost both testicles." "You're hired. You can start Monday at 10:00 AM." "When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability." "Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first."
My wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia... Unfortunately, I had to dial the help line. "G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?" I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....ya know." The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!" I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You've saved my honeymoon!"
For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents." "Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.."
Tanjooberrymutts By the time you read through this you will understand 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS' The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service in a hotel ... Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees." Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service." Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???" Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs." Room Service: "Ow ulai den?" Guest: ".....What??" Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud , pochd?" Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry..Scrambled, please." Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?" Guest: "Crisp will be fine." Room Service: "Hokay. Ansahn toes?" Guest: "What?" Room Service: "An toes. ulaisahn toes?" Guest: "I.... Don't think so.." RoomService: "No? Udo wan sahn toes???" Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes' means." RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...WhyUoo donwan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we botter?" Guest: "Oh, English muffin! !! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine." RoomService: "We botter?" Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side." RoomService: "Wad?!?" Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side." RoomService: "Copy?" Guest: "Excuse me?" RoomService: "Copy...tea.. meel?" Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything." RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken, Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh and copy ... Rye ??" Guest: "Whatever you say." RoomService: "Tanjooberrymutts." Guest: "You're welcome" Remember I said "By the time you read through this you will understand 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.” The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?” “Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly. “Okay,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?” The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.” To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know crap?” And then she went back to reading her book.
The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy, in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase. "What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously. "What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home .... And guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable! The end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!" "Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened." Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "Paddy, there I told you there must be a simple explanation........... .... She never got your e-mail"
This one is old but i still laugh every time is see it, The True Definition of Tools DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...." ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to further round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway. TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 50 years ago by someone at Ford, and neatly rounds off their heads. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need. Oxyacetelene Torch: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in there?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell Zippo Lighter: See oxyacetelene torch. SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
An 8 pointer, 4 pointer and a button buck are standing by a field browsing on acorns. The 8 pointer says, 'I'm happy with my 10 does, we're really getting along.' The 4 pointer says, 'I'm happy as heck with my 5, they really take care of me!' The Button buck says, 'My two are all right, better than nothing I guess.' Then all of a sudden a GIANT 14 pointer walks out into the field. The three bucks had never seen anything like him before, they were in awe. The big buck made a huge scrape and pissed in it, rubbed a tree the size of a telephone pole and snapped it off at the ground! The three bucks looked on in amazement. The 8 pointer says, 'I could probably get by with 4 does........... Who really needs 10 anyway?' The 4 pointer says, 'You know.............. come to think of it, I only really use one or two of mine!' The button buck was silent, as the other two bucks look over to him in confusion. Suddenly the Button buck runs out into the middle of the field! He rips and tears up some grass........ pisses all over the place, snorts & wheezes, rubs his head raw on a tree, and chews a lickin branch clean off! Then he runs back over to his buddies. His friends immediately ask him, 'What the hell are you doing!?' I'm just makin' sure that big sum***** knows I'm a buck!'
At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. Al-Gebra is a fearsome cult," Gonzalez said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle". When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes".
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel." "I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents." "The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80." "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk. "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package, pointed to a little old man standing beside her, smiled and said. "Grandpa pay the man."
Jake, do you read or just wait to post? The joke was posted up top of this page, get your head in the game man.
I did not read the thread as I'm on my phone. Usually read from my computer at work! Whoops! Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
An old farmer goes out in his field to feed his farm animals on a hot sunny day. As he enters his field with his feed bucket in hand he notices someone is in his farm pond. Getting closer he sees two beautiful young women who are obviously skinny dipping in the pond. As he gets close the women spot him. The farmer informs the women that they are trespassing and must leave the property. One of them hollers out "you dirty old man you just want to see us get out of the water naked " Shaking his feed bucket the farmer replied..... "I didn't come here to stare at beautiful young naked women ....I just came here to feed my pet alligators who live in this pond"
