Time to repost my favorite joke in all 80 pages. What is the difference between a junk vehicle and the minnesota vikings franchise? Even the junk vehicle had a title at one point.
This one might be a little harsh... How do you circumsize a Packer Fan? Kick his sister in the mouth. On the first day of school a first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Packers fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Packers fans. Wanting to impress their teacher, everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise, 'Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?' Because I'm not a Packers fan,' she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Packers fan, then who are you a fan of?' 'I am a Vikings fan, and proud of it,' Janie replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Janie please tell us why you are a Vikings fan?' "Because my mom is a Vikings fan, and my dad is Vikings fan, so I'm a Vikings fan too!" "Well," said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Vikings fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom was an idiot and your dad was a moron, what would you be then?' "Then," Janie smiled, 'I'd be a Packers fan.'
Jake, while the jokes you thru out there were somewhat witty but they are really pretty weak soup, I mean as far as jokes go pretty generic you could substitute any team name into that joke so it is not franchise specific.
Women's T-shirt Slogans Next mood swing: 6 minutes I hate everybody, you're next. And your point is.............? I used to be a schizophrenic, but we're OK now. I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it. Of course I don't look busy .... I did it right the first time. Why do people with closed minds always have their mouths open? You have the right to remain silent so please use it! If we are what we eat I'm fast, cheap and easy. I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun. Chaos, Panic, Disorder -- My work here is done.
The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Sicily. It was absolutely wonderful. it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they’d never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed. The people were very upset and decided to go to the local veterinarian, Dr. Santucchi, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. “Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side.” The veterinarian rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, “Did you by chance, buy this cow in Sicily?” The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Sicily. “You are truly a wise veterinarian,” they said. “How did you know we got the cow from Sicily?” The Vet replied with a distant look in his eyes, “My wife is from Sicily.”
So, I was walking downtown and I saw that there was a Muslim Book Store. I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim book store, so I went in. As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk gave me the stink eye but asked if he could help me. I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?" The clerk said, “Kiss my ***, get out, and stay out”! I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"
One day, a cowboy was crossing the desert to do some trading and came upon an Indian. The Indian was laying on his back and had an erection that stuck straight up in the air.* The cowboy asked the Indian what he was doing.* The Indian replied, "Me tell-um time." This made sense to the cowboy, he was using his penis as a sundial.* A few days later, after completing his trading, the cowboy came across the same Indian. This time the Indian was laying on his back vigorously masturbating.* The cowboy asked what he was doing this time.* The Indian said, "Me wind-um watch."
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"* She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."* After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!"* She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.* After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"* She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, dont your ears ever get cold?"
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen *****s than let liquor touch my lips." The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to NY, the other to California. Every ten years they agree to meet in Palm Springs and play golf for a weekend. They finish their round at age 30 and go to lunch. "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why?" "Well, you know, they got the broads, with the big racks, and the tight shorts. The legs..." "OK." Ten years later at 40 they play. "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why?" "Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games." "OK." Ten years later at 50 "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why?" "The food is good and there is plenty of parking." "OK." At 60 "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why?" "Wings are half price." "OK" At 70 "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why?" "They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door." "OK." At 80 "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why?" "We've never been there before."
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. There is no one else in the bar besides the bartender and this guy. Things are slow so the bartender says to the guy "Hey you want to see something cool?" The guy says sure. So they both hop into the bartenders car and start driving. They drive for 30 min before they drive up to a gate. The bartender gets out and opens the gate, gets back in and drives through, and then gets out and closes the gate. Now they are at a river. They ditch the car and get into a little paddle boat and paddle across the river. At the end is a gate. The bartender walks up opens the gate, they walk through and then he closes the gate. Now they are at a 2nd river, which is twice as large as the first river. The paddle boat across. Get to another gate and the bartender opens it, they go through, and then he closes it. Now they are at a mountain. They promptly hike over the mountain quick and come up to a gate. Bartender opens, they go through, he closes. Now they are at a 2nd mountain twice as tall as the first mountain. They hike over this one now as well. Then they come up to another gate. The bartender opens said gate, they walk through, he closes said gate. Finally, they have arrived at a cave. The bartender cups his hands around his mouth and yells "Here little green man, little green man!" All of a sudden this tiny little green man comes bee-bopping up. The guy is amazed at this phenomenon and decides he wants to touch the little green man. Just as he is reaching out the bartender pulls him back exclaiming "You must never touch this little green man!" The man obliges and they leave the cave. So they come up to a gate, the bartender opens it, they go through, he closes it. They hike over the 2nd mountain twice as tall as the first mountain. Come up to a gate, opens, walks through, closes. They hike over the first mountain. Come to the gate, open it, walk through, close it. Now they paddle boat across the 2nd river twice as large as the first river. Come to the gate. Open, walks through, closes. They paddle boat across the first river. Open gate, walk through, close gate. Drive back to the bar. So now the guy is sitting there just thinking over and over wow I could really make some money off of this little green man. So he gets in his own car this time and drives himself to the first gate. He opens it, drives through it, and then closes it. He then paddle boats across the first river. Gets to the gate, opens it, goes through it, and then closes it. He then paddle boats across the 2nd river which is twice as big as the first river. Gets to the gate, opens, goes through, closes. Now he is hiking over the first mountain. Gets to the gate, opens it, goes through it, and then closes it. Then he hikes over the 2nd mountain that is twice as tall as the first mountain. Opens the gate, walks through, closes it. He walks up to the cave and yells "Here little green man, little green man!" and sure enough the little green man comes bee-bopping out. The guy thinks to himself this is awesome! He reaches down to pick the little green man up and as soon as he touches him the little green man starts going berserk! The man is startled and takes off running away from the little green man. He runs to the gate, opens it, runs through, closes it and starts just sprinting over the 2nd mountain twice as tall as the first mountain. Gets to the gate, opens it, runs through, closes it. The little green man chasing behind the entire way. So now the man runs over the first mountain. Opens the gate, runs through, closes it. Little green man still going stride for stride. So he gets in the paddle boat and furiously rows across the 2nd river twice as large as the first river. Gets to the gate, opens it, runs through, closes it. The little green man swimming right along after him. So the guy paddles across the first river gets to the gate, opens it, runs through, closes it and then he jumps in his car and starts driving. The little green man all along the way is very visible in the mans rear view mirror. The man starts to panic so he drives to the airport. He runs up to the front desk and says "give me a ticket to the furthest place possible!" The lady at the front desk says well that would be New Zealand. So she gives him a ticket and he boards and the plane takes off. All the time the man is in the plane he can see a tiny tiny green dot on the ground. After 16 hours the plane finally lands and the man steps off. At this point the little green man comes limping up to him. He is tired, hurt, and exhausted. The man thinks OK I'm out of options I should finally give this little green man a chance to explain himself. So the man stands there while the little green man limps up to him, touches his leg and yells "TAG YOUR'E IT!"
A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated." The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table." The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the Butt with a baseball bat, CRACK... and then sends him into the bathroom. He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. What should I do to prevent constipation ?" The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags."
One day on the way home from work, I stopped at the local Pharmacy and while I was checking out, I picked up some candy to take home for me and my 7-year old son. It was a bag of Gold Coins (Gold Foil- covered chocolate candy coins). There were many sizes, from dime to dollar. I took the bag home, and me and my son opened the bag and ate all of the coins, my son taking the bigger dollar-sized ones and me taking the smaller ones. The next day, my wife, my son and I stopped at the Pharmacy again to pick up a few things. While my wife and I were shopping, we noticed that my son had picked up a Gold Coin Condom. Before we could catch him, he took it up to the counter and asked the Pharmacist, "What's this?" The woman, looking very serious, said, "That's a condom, son." To which my son replied, "My daddy BOUGHT me some of these yesterday!" With a disgusted look on her face, the Pharmacist replied, "Those are NOT for children, young man." And finally, my son replied, "Then I'll buy this one for my Daddy. He likes the LITTLE ones!"
Phone rings, woman answers. The pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight *** with no hair? Woman replies, "Yes I do, he's watching golf – Who shall I say is calling?
Larry goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After awhile the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar. Larry gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Larry, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Larry replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Larry's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Larry's head and prays and prays and prays. After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks Larry: "Larry, how is your hearing now?" Larry says, "I don't know, Reverend, it's not until next Wednesday."
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the phamacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it... This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook." He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it...all of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer...and, honest mister, all I did was tell her!"
