INNER PEACE If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it, If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time, If you can take criticism and blame without resentment, If you can conquer tension without medical help, If you can relax without alcohol, If you can sleep without the aid of drugs? Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!
According to the Knight Rider News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the US Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated as "Wash. Biol. Surv."; until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper: Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and want to tell you it tasted horrible. The bands are now marked "Fish & Wildlife Service."
A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives to be civilized and kind to each other when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English. So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, “This is a tree.” The chief looks at the tree and grunts, “Tree.” The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, “This is a rock.” Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, “Rock.” The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, “Man riding a bike.” The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both. The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way? The chief replied, “My bike.”
My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well...
An angel appears and says, “I’ll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars.” Immediately, the man chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, he is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table. One of his colleagues whispers, “You have great wisdom. Say something!” The man says, “I should have taken the money.”
A Blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray ... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house. Please let me win the lottery. "Lottery night comes and she does not win. Brandi prays again but still she doesn't win. Once again, she prays ... "God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order. "Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God himself ... "Brandi, work with me on this. Buy a ticket."
A Blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The Blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa. "Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the Blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers but to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the Blonde and hands her $500. The Blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the Blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the Blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a “Blondes Are Not Stupid” Convention. The leader says, “We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?” A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, “What is 15 plus 15?” After 15 or 20 seconds she says, “Eighteen!” Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, “Give her another chance! Give her another chance!” The leader says, “Well since we’ve gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance.” So he asks, “What is 5 plus 5?” After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, “Ninety?” The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh — everyone is disheartened – the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, “GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!” The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, “Ok! Ok! Just one more chance — What is 2 plus 2?” The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, “Four?” Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream… “Give her another chance! Give her another chance!”
A bartender is sitting behind his bar when a well dressed but obviously intoxicated man stumbles in. "Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!" The man yells as he approaches. Bartender pours all the drinks, the the whole bar cheers, they all drink. Bartender hands the bill to the man, and he just shrugs and says, "Oh I didn't bring my wallet with me tonight, sorry." The bartender proceeds to beat the living daylights out of the man and throws him out. Next night, bartender is again behind his bar when the same well dressed but intoxicated man stumbles in. "Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!" The man happily announces as he approaches. Bartender thinks: "This guy cant be that stupid, he probably came to pay. Now I feel bad for beating him so hard previous night." He pours all the drinks, the the whole bar cheers, they all drink. Bartender hands the bill to the man, and he again shrugs and says, "Oh I didn't bring my wallet with me again, sorry." The bartender proceeds to beat the man even harder and kicks him out. Third night in the row, bartender just cant believe his eyes when he sees the man return. "Bartender! A drink for everyone, and a drink for me!" The man calls out as he approaches. Bartender is fuming and grins sardonically: "What, no drink for ME tonight?" The drunk looks at him and says: "Nah man, you get way too violent when you drink."
A woman with really hairy underarms boards a crowded bus. Unable to find a seat, she settles for hanging onto one of the poles.* A drunk man next to her stares at her for three minutes, then tells her, "I love a woman that does aerobics."* The woman replies angrily, "I don't DO aerobics!"* The drunk man then looks at the woman and says, "Then how did you get your leg up so high?"
Closer Than You Think! An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning). After the test, the manager says, "You will be employed at minimum wage, $8.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day. Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, "Well, then, that means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed. Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 lb flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly. After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pick-up truck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically. When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the Internet from the very start!" After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, "Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!" Moral of this story: 1. The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life. 2. If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire. 3. Since you got this story via e-mail, you're probably closer to becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire. 4. If you do have a computer and e-mail, you have already been taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.
A young man with his pants hanging half off his ***, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just Hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing." The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes." "Because of The long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull****tin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it." .....
4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!! Man, I really dislike babies.
