I'll pass that along. I don't write my own material anymore but "Cut and Paste" works fine. Actually, I had to quit hunting a couple years ago but still live vicariously through the forum. I have to thank everyone here for the enjoyment the site brings me and have to contribute something in return. I figure a joke once in a while is at least some payback.
I check this thread a couple times a day OL man. Just to see if you've posted anything. Thanks for the laughs.
A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food!" The panda yells back, "Hey man, I'm a panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda, "A tree climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats, shoots, and leaves
In heaven God told all husbands & wives to gather for a meeting! He told the men to stand in two queues... Those who are controlled by their wives & those who control their wives! Only 1 man stood in the second Queue... God said "So you control your wife?" Man: "R u CRAZY ??? My wife told me to stand here"
Jacob, age 92, and Mary, age 89, living in Fort Myers, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes." Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds." Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?" Pharmacist: "Definitely." Jacob: "How about suppositories and medicine for impotence?" Pharmacist: "You bet!" Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works." Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely." Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?" Pharmacist: "We sure do." Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?" Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes." Jacob: "Adult diapers?" Pharmacist: "Sure." Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?" The student replied, "It is obviously past."
So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like." "Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends. "What a nice lady", I thought, while happily munching on the nuts. A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts. I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat. After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts. I asked her, "Why don't you eat them yourself?" "Because we've got no teeth", she replied. "Then why do you buy them?", I asked. "Oh, because we just love the chocolate around them."
A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of the University of Maine. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion. Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences. Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation." Reverend Billy Bob, the Baptist, spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear, and then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!" The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
A ethics question for you married guys out there: You're walking thru the woods with your wife. All of a sudden a bear jumps out from behind the bush and attacks your wife. What should you do about it? Answer: Nothing.... let the bear fend for himself... after all he started it.
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul whats wrong.* "Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"* "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.* "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."* "Thats great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"* "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried Id get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldnt show."* "Sensible" says Jeff.* "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."* "And what happened then?"* (Paul slumps back over the bar again.)* "I kicked her in the face."
Not sure if this has been in here or not but I had a good laugh when I saw it (wherever I saw it) the other day: An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the man passes gas and says, "seven points!". His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied "it's fart football." A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown! Tie score..." After about five minutes the old man lets another one goes and says, "Aha, I'm ahead 14 to 7" Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on for the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed. The wife says, "What the hell was that?" The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out the window and gave the women the finger. "Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave sheepishly whenever a female does anything crazy in traffic, and here's why.......... I drive 48 miles to work each way every day. That's 96 miles a day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper to bumper. Most of the bumper to bumper is on an 8 lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to 982 cars every mile or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure that I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to about 36,000 cars that I pass every day. Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 woman drivers! In any group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% of all women describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449. According to the National Institute of health, 22% of all females have considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33. According to the NRA, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed. Give her the finger? I DON'T THINK SO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A young man in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around the store. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore, she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him in the checkout line and she turned to him and said, "I hope that I haven't made you feel ill at ease, it's just that you look so much like my late son." He answered, "that's OK." "I know it's silly," she said, "but if you'd just call out, goodbye Mom as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy." She then went through the checkout and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom." The little old lady waved and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries. "That will be $157.57," said the checker. "Why so much?" he asked. "I only bought 3 items." The clerk relied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too!"
