The husband was filled with pleasure, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out. It was going on 20 minutes at this point... Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted: "OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug bastard!"
One year, at Duke, there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVa for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus. Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool," they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said: (95 points) Which tire was flat?
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, Grandma, how come you dont have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven? Grandma replied, Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh ... Im happy with my TV as my boyfriend. Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandmas minister. The minister said, Hello son, is your Grandma home? The little boy replied, Yeah, shes in the bedroom banging her boyfriend. The minister fainted.
I question if this should really be posted in a joke thread but here goes anyway. COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America. ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It’s 5.6%. COSTELLO: That many people are out of work? ABBOTT: No, that’s 23%. COSTELLO: You just said 5.6%. ABBOTT: 5.6% Unemployed. COSTELLO: Right 5.6% out of work. ABBOTT: No, that’s 23%. COSTELLO: Okay, so it’s 23% unemployed. ABBOTT: No, that’s 5.6%. COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 5.6% or 23%? ABBOTT: 5.6% are unemployed. 23% are out of work. COSTELLO: If you are out of work you are unemployed. ABBOTT: No, Obama said you can’t count the “Out of Work” as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed. COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!! ABBOTT: No, you miss his point. COSTELLO: What point? ABBOTT: Someone who doesn’t look for work can’t be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn’t be fair. COSTELLO: To whom? ABBOTT: The unemployed. COSTELLO: But ALL of them are out of work. ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are out of work gave up looking and if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed. COSTELLO: So if you’re off the unemployment roles that would count as less unemployment? ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely! COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don’t look for work? ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That’s how it gets to 5.6%. Otherwise it would be 23%. COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number? ABBOTT: Two ways is correct. COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job? ABBOTT: Correct. COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job? ABBOTT: Bingo. COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to have people stop looking for work. ABBOTT: Now you’re thinking like a Democrat. COSTELLO: I don’t even know what the hell I just said! ABBOTT: Now you’re thinking like Hillary.
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today..' The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.' As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.' The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming up,' says the bartender As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.' The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming right up,' the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?' The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
All of his life George from Cape Breton had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink. So when George's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. George stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, George went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?" Granny looked into George's eyes and said, "Because your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, you were born in July."
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldnt think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess. The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy said,"Yes she did." "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time."
Heard this from a Southwest Airlines pilot on Family Feud the other day. When flying, if the landing is really rough, its not the pilots fault or the flight attendants fault, its the asphalt.
Three sons left home to make their fortunes, and they all did very, very well for themselves. They got together recently and were discussing what they each had done to benefit their aging mother. "Well," said the first one, "I bought Mom a huge house in Beverly Hills." "I bought her a Mercedes and hired a full-time driver for her." "I've got you both beat," said the third. "I bought her a miraculous parrot that can recite any Bible verse you tell it to." A little later, the mother sent out a thank you letter to all three sons. "Gerald -- the house you bought was too big. I only live in one room, but I have to clean the entire house. Milton -- the car is useless because I don't go anywhere because I'm too old. But Robert -- you know exactly what I like. The chicken was delicious."
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said 'nothing' instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she then would have asked 'about what?' At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions. Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they "know"? Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really "know", here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap in that hammock.
TOP 17 FATAL THINGS TO SAY IF YOUR WIFE IS PREGNANT 17. I finished the Oreos. 16. Not to imply anything but.... I don't think that the kid weighs 40 pounds. 15. Ya know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby. 14. I sure hope that your thighs aren't going to stay that flabby forever. 13. Well, could they induce labor? The Super Bowl is the 7th. 12. Darned if you aren't 5 pounds away from a visit by that Richard Simmons fellow. 11. Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Man, that's got to hurt. 10. Whoa! For a minute there I thought that I woke up next to Willard Scott. 9. I'm jealous. Why can't men experience childbirth? 8. Are your ankles supposed to look like that? 7. Get your own ice cream. 6. Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today. 5. Got milk? 4. Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Buffy. 3. Man! That rose tattoo on your hip has to be the size of Madagascar! 2. Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water! 1. You don't have the guts to pull that trigger!
"Dad, what can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow." Father thought and said, "Ok son, the best way to learn is from an analogy. Let's say that I'm capitalism because I am the breadwinner and your mother is the government because she controls everything and the maid is the working class because she works for us, and you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help you son? The little boy said he would think about it. Later that night, after everyone went to sleep the little boy was awakened by his baby brother crying and he found a dirty diaper. So he went down the hall to his parent's room and his mother wouldn't wake up. Then he saw a light in the maid's room and looked through a crack in the door to see his father in bed with the maid. So he decided to turn around and go back to bed. The next morning at breakfast he said.... "Dad I think I understand politics now." The father said.... "Excellent, what have you learned?" The little boy thought a minute and said.... "I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future's full of crap.".
FROM A CHILD'S VIEW................... Jack (age 3) was watching Mom breast feeding his new baby sister..... after a while he asked; "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?" Melanie (age 5) asked her Grandmother how old she was. Her Grandmother replied that she was so old that she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you can look at the back of your panties, Mine say five to six." Stephen (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night and said, "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window." Brittany (age 4) had a headache and she wanted an Advil. She tried in vain to take the lid off. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained that it was a child proof cap and that she would open it for her. Eyes wide open in wonder she looked at her Mom and asked, "How does it know it's me?" DJ (age 4) stepped on the bathroom scale and asked, "How much do I cost?" Clinton (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried when his Mom asked what was troubling him. He replied, "I don't what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?" Marc (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his Dad, "Why is he whispering in her mouth?" Tammy (age 4) was with her Mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a few minutes and asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?" James was listening to a Bible story. His Dad read, 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned into salt.' James asked, "What happened to the flea?" And my favorite....................... This particular Sunday sermon, 'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without You, we are but dust.' He would have continued but at that very moment a little girl who was intently listening leaned over to her mother and in that loud little child voice asked, "What is butt dust?"
Two blondes are in a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A game warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses." "We don't have any." replied the first woman. "Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the game warden. "But officer," replied the second girl, "we aren't fishing. All we have are magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river." The game warden lifted up the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," shrugged the game warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the game warden left. As soon as he was out of sight, the women started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop! Doesn't he know that there are steelheads in this river?!"
I think I've done this one before but its a good one..... A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act. "You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket" "But, officer, I didn't catch these -- they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done they jump back into the bucket." "Oh really? This I've got to see. If you can prove it, I'll let you go." The fisherman empties the bucket into the lake and waits patiently. A few minutes go by and nothing happens. Game warden: So where are the fish? Fisherman: What fish?
