Yeah...they are constantly crossing over here from Minnesota... (sorry...I just had to put my .02 cents in...)
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change." Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes." "You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."
An engineer dies and is sent to hell... He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Modern Technology I was visiting my son-in-law and daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. 'This is the 21st century, old man,'' she said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.' I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it
Ole and Sven died and went to hell. The devil, seeing that they were making the best of things, decided to turn the heat up and see how things would go for them. The devil came back the next day and things sweltering, yet Ole and Sven were out in their T-shirts having a good time around the barbeque. The devil asked, "Isn't it a bit hot for you boys?" "Ya sure," Ole answered, "Yust startin' ta feel like a Minnesota summer, so we broke out the grill." That frustrated the devil, so he knew what he would do to make these guys miserable. The next day the devil came back. There was frost and ice everywhere. When he found Ole and Sven, they were whooping and cheering, jumping around like children. So, the devil asked, "I turned the heat up and you guys are picnicking, now I turn the heat off and you are cheering and shouting like school kids. What gives?" "Ya for sure!" Sven shouts, "Hell is froze over. The Vikings musta won da Super Bowl!"
Walked into a bar this afternoon to find a sign that read: "WOMEN, Low cut blouses are looked down upon in this establishment."
A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said: "Does she still have the hiccups?"
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."
