A group of previous kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words." She then asked little Alec what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the SH*T."
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their mothers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- teacher, nurse, businesswoman, saleswoman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth. However, little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his mother, he replied, "Well my mother's an exotic dancer in a cabaret and takes off all her clothes in front of men and they put money in her underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, she will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money." The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Johnny aside and asked him, "Is that really true about your mother?" "No," the boy said, "she works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."--
Maybe pushing it... I heard a google executive was among the dead. Anyone know if they found the body or are they still searching?
A couple of rednecks in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of them walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos." The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours." "All right. How long do you need them?" Billy-Bob paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check.” After a while, he returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house"…:p Bill
A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down. The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!" The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his butt."
Questions That Haunt Me: How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? What disease did cured ham actually have? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up every few hours? Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway. Why is ‘bra’ singular and ‘panties’ plural? Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Why did you just try singing the two songs above? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? Why, Why, Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are going dead? Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is not enough money? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
These are good questions. I'm sure the government would give you a grant to find the answers. Sent from my Z30 using Tapatalk
Do you suppose I'd really have to provide the answers or could I just cash the check. Alas, another question to haunt me.
I think if you gave approved answers on the first you would get more money answering the rest. You would need to select from a group of answers such as below. Given the paucity of approved answers, you will need to cycle through them repeatedly, but that is ok. -Because we had slaves 149 years, 4 months, 23 days ago -Because the average wage of a woman is less than a man -Because guns kill people -Because white people hate dark people (sort of related to the first, but all-encompassing -Because rich people are niggardly and do not want to give, errr, share the wealth
Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. Sarah's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one. Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in the Dowerin Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it....he was a DWARF! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!" So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
A guy goes into a restaurant and lounge, his shirt open at the collar, but is stopped by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to get in. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a tie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, okay, I guess you can come in -- just don't start anything."
An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down in their old neighborhood. To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared & where he had carved "I love you, Sally". On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, & they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, & its fifty-thousand dollars. The husband says: "We've got to give it back". She says, "Finders keepers" & puts the money back in the bag & hides it up in their attic. The next day, two FBI men are going from door-to-door in the neighbourhood looking for the money show up at their home. One knocks on the door & says: "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?" She says: "No".. The husband says: "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic." She says: "Don't believe him, he's getting senile." But the agents sit the man down & begin to question him. One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning." The old man says: "Well, when Sally & I were walking home from school yesterday ..." At this, the FBI guy looks at his partner & says: "We're outta here ..."
There is a truck driver driving along, and he stops and picks up a priest to give him a ride. He's driving down the highway and he sees a lawyer along the side of the road and thinks, "Hot! A lawyer that I could run over!" So he speeds up and heads straight for him. At the last second he remembers the priest with him. So he swerves real quick to miss him, but still hears a thump. He looks behind, no sign of the lawyer. He says to the priest "Wow, that was a close one, I almost hit that lawyer!" The priest then replies "That's ok son, I got him with my door."
My parents decided the key to a successful marriage is going out to a fancy restaurant twice a week. My dad goes out Mondays and my mom goes out Fridays.
Two very elderly couples bump into each other in the street. Jack says, “Hi there George, how are you?” George says, “Great! we’ve just been to that new memory clinic, they teach you how to remember things using word association, it’s really good.” Jack asks, “Really? what’s the name of the clinic?” George thinks for a moment and then says, “Let me see, eh, what do you call that flower with a thorny stem?” Jack says, “A rose”? “Ah yes that’s it!” George turns to his wife, “Rose, what’s the name of that clinic?”
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
