Kids Say the funniest things It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches. The boy asked what they were for. "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by," his older brother explained. "Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed. "The one Sunday I don't go, He showed up!" ~ One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching the children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?" "I know!" a little boy exclaimed. "Pantyhose!" ~ The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?" The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves." ~ Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was. Grandma answered, "39 and holding." Johnny thought for a moment, and then said, "And how old would you be if you let go?" ~ The Sunday School teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," he replied, "We don't have to. My Mom is a good cook!"
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you. "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got them all back in.
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,"I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked,"Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Question: What did the doe say when she came out of the woods? Answer: That's the last time I do THAT for five bucks!
A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving, she asks the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?” “About 32″, the clerk replies. “I’m actually 47,” the woman says happily. A little while later, she goes into McDonald’s, and upon getting her order, asks the counter girl the same question. She replies, “I’d guess about 29.” The woman replies, “Nope, I am 47.” Now she is feeling really good about herself. She stops in the drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to gets some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, “Oh I’d say 30.” Again she proudly responds, I am 47, but thank you.” While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, “I’m 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands on your breasts. Then I can tell exactly how old you are.” They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman, and she finally said, “What the heck, go ahead.” He begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes, she says, “Okay, okay, how old am I?” He completes one last squeeze, removes his hands and says, “Madam, You are 47.” Stunned, the woman says, “That is amazing! How did you know?” The old man replies, “Promise you won’t get mad?” “Promise,” she says. He replies, “I was behind you in line at McDonald’s “
3 kids fishing Barack Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disneyland ' Barack said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on my special Senator's airplane.' The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan 's shoes.' Barack said, 'I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them!' The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!' Barack was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like you're handicapped.' The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved your *** from drowning!
After a round of golf, four ladies sat around the club house, chatting. Seeing the ladies, the Pro approached them and asked: "How did your game go? The first lady, a brunette, said she had a good round ... making the comment that she actually had 25 riders. The Pro was a bit perplexed not knowing what a "Rider" was. The second was a blonde lady who quickly chimed in and said that she had a very good round as well with 16 riders. The third lady then said that her round was average and that she only had 10 riders. The fourth lady admitted that she played the worst round of the day and that she only had 2 riders all day long. The Pro was completely confused not knowing what the term "rider" meant. But, because he didn't want to look dumb, he made a quick polite remark, wished the ladies well and then left. He then approached the bartender and asked "Hey, can you tell me what these ladies are talking about when they refer to "Riders"?" The bartender simply smiled and said..."A 'Rider" is when you hit a shot long enough to ride on the golf cart to your ball.
I was feeling a bit insecure, so made a few changes. I disconnected my home alarm system and have de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch. I placed two Pakistani flags in the front yard--one at each corner--and the black flag of ISIS in the center. Now, the local police and all manner of other government agencies are watching the house 24/7. I've never felt more secure and I’m saving $49.95 a month Oly
A hungry man with a hankerin’ for chili sits down at a restaurant. The waitress approaches to take his order and, of course, he orders a bowl of chili. She replies, “Sorry sir. The gentleman seated at the table next to you got the last bowl.” The hungry man looks over and sees that the his neighbor is almost finished his meal but the bowl of chili is still full. Feeling slightly embarrassed but still super in the mood of chili he asks the age old question, “Are you gonna eat that?” The neighbor replies “nope” and passes the bowl. Delicious chili in front of him and napkin tucked into his shirt the man digs in, scarfing down spoon after spoon of the delicious stew. He is just about half way through when his spoon hits something a bit too large and a bit too solid at the bottom of the bowl. With a feeling of dread rising in his stomach, he digs down scoops out a now chili colored and very dead mouse. Horrified, he retches and forcefully barfs every last bit of chili right back into the bowl. His neighbor looks him right in the eye and says, “Yup. That’s about as far as I got too.”
A blonde reported for her university final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for Heads and "No" for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. The blonde replies, "I finished the exam in half an hour, but I'm rechecking the answers".
There was a little old lady, who every morning. stepped onto her front porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD!" One day an atheist moved into the house next door. He became irritated at the little old lady. Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her and yell: "THERE IS NO LORD!" Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day. One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord! The next morning she stepped onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there. "PRAISE THE LORD!" she cried out. "HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!" The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and shouted: "THERE IS NO LORD. I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!" The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!
Wife: Honey, if I die would you get married again? Husband: No dear. Wife: I'm sure you would. Annoyed husband: Okay, I would. Wife: Would you let her sleep in our bed? Husband: Yeah, I guess so. Wife: Would you let her wear my clothes. Husband: No, she is taller than you.
A guy goes in an adult book store and asks for an inflatable doll. Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?" Customer says, "Female." Counter guy asks, "Black or white?" Customer says, "White." Counter guy asks, "Radical Christian or Muslim Extremist?" Customer says, "What the HELL does religion have to do with it?" Counter guy says, "The Muslim Extremist blows itself up." Oly
Marine Training Two things they teach Marines: Keep your priorities in order Know when to act without hesitation. A college professor, an avowed atheist, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated he was going to prove there was no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!" The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin fall. Ten minutes went by. Again he taunted God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting." His countdown got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine - just released from active duty and newly registered in the class - walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him tumbling from his lofty platform. The professor was out cold! The students were shocked and babbled in confusion. The young Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silent. The class fell silent...waiting. Eventually, the professor came to, shaken. He looked at the young Marine in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak he asked: "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?" "God was busy. He sent me."
