I just love little Johnny jokes Miss Jones asks the class "What is definite?" Little Smarty pants Suzie..."The grass is definitely green" Miss Jones looking out the window see's the grass is brown from the drought "Looks brown today Suzie" "pick me pick me" Snotty Timmy screams...The sky is definitely blue Just then there was a clap of Thunder...The sky was a dark gray Miss Jones shaking her head no...Notices Little Johnny squirming like crazy and a puzzled look on his face "Johnny?" asks Miss Jones Johnny asks..."Do farts have lumps? Miss Jones "I don't think so Johnny, Why?" "Well, Miss Jones If farts don't have lumps...I DEFINITELY JUST CRAPPED MY PANTS!"
Miss Jones asked the class "What did you see on the way to school this morning" After the usual droning about birds, flowers, and bugs Miss Jones asks Johnny "What did you see this morning Johnny" Little Johnny get a thoughtful look and says "I was walkin to School, and there was this dog walkin down the middle of the road and a model T came along and the crank hit him square in the A$$ "Rectum...Johnny...RECTUM" Little Johnny..."RECTUM HELL IT DAMN NEAR KILLED EM"
A blond was driving home from work. She gets pulled over by a blond female officer for speeding. The officer asks to see her drivers license. The driver digs thru her purse but cant find it. The officer asks to see something with her picture to prove her identity. After taking some more time to dig thru her purse, she pulls out a mirror, looks in it and sees her face. She tells the officer, I found something with my picture on it and hands her the mirror. The officer looks into the mirror, hands it back to her and says "I didnt know you were a cop too, your free to go."
My 10 year old daughter claims to have made this up herself..... Knock knock Who's there Smelmop Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Last Saturday afternoon in Washington , D.C. , an aide to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi visited the Bishop of the Catholic cathedral in D.C. He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next days Mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint. The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi's views." Pelosi's aide then said, "Look, I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint." The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon." As Pelosi's aide promised, House Speaker Pelosi appeared for the Sunday worship and seated herself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle. As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Speaker Pelosi was present. The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, "While Speaker Pelosi's presence is probably an honor to some, the woman is not numbered among my personal favorite personages. Some of her most egregious views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and she tends to flip-flop on many other issues. Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self -absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. I must say, Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. She married for money and is using her wealth to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington ,and in California . The woman is simply not to be trusted." The Cardinal concluded, "But, when compared with President Obama , House Speaker Pelosi is a saint."
What's the biggest difference between the Minnesota Vikings and a junked car? Even a junked car had a title once.
Monica Lewinski walked into a drycleaner run by a very old man. She placed a stained blue dress on the counter and said to the elderly proprieter, "I have a stained dress and I need it cleaned." Being hard of hearing and unsure as to what Monica said the old business owner asked, "Heh, what's that you say?" Monica once again told the old business owner, "I have a stained dress and I need it cleaned." The old man unsure as to Monica's request asked, " Heh, come again?" Monica replied, "No it's gravy."
Tickle me A women named Betty started a new job at a toy factory. Betty's first day found her getting a quick how-to and some safety glasses from a cranky production supervisor and throwed into the mix on a Tickle-Me-Elmo production line. 15 minutes into Betty's first day the Tickle-Me-Elmo conveyor belt is backing up with the stuffed toys. The same cranky supervisor hurridly looked for what was slowing down production and found Ms Betty sewing two little red cotton balls on the crotch of each Elmo toy. The cranky supervisor said " I told you to give each Elmo 2 test tickles!"
A young family moved into a house. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the vacant lot next door. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us." "My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?" The little girl replied, "I will if those a--holes at Home Depot ever deliver the freak'n sheet rock." Kind of brings a tear to the eye.
Three babies are in their mother's womb. One of them says, "I want to be an artist, so everyone will know what it looks like in here." The next one says, "I want to be an Olympic swimmer because I get so much practice in here." Then the last baby says," I'm going to be a hunter, because if that snake comes in here and pokes me again I'm gonna chop that damned thing in half!"
A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby. "Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"
Top Ten Complaints About England From George W. Bush: 10. "Clocks are five hours fast" 9. "Everybody's speaking some crazy foreign language" 8. "Harry Potter won't return phone calls" 7. "So touchy about minor things...like going to war under false pretenses" 6. "They don't know where Saddam is either" 5. "Queen Elizabeth not half as funny as 'King of Queens'" 4. "Disappointed to learn 'Big Ben' is just a giant clock" 3. "Pack a gum costs 2 pounds -- who carries two pounds of money?!" 2. "I've been here for 36 hours and Prince Charles hasn't made a single move on me" 1. "Driving on the left reminds me of my drinking days"
A rich couple are going out for the evening. The lady of the house decided to give the butler, Northampton, the night off. She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his evening. As it turned out, the wife didn't have a good time at the party, so she came home early. She walked into the house and eyed Northampton sitting alone in the dining room. She called for him to follow her. She led him to the master bedroom. She closed and locked the door. She looked at him and smiled. "Northampton. Take off my dress." He did so, carefully. "Northampton. Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her. "Northampton. Remove my bra and panties." The tension mounted as he complied. Finally she looked at him and said, "Northampton, If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired."
