A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had. The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leaped toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I just soiled myself." The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same." The old explorer said, "No, not back then - just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"
Two friends, Jim and Paul are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers up against a wall and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on, Jim slips something into Paul's hand. Without looking down, Paul whispers, "What is this?" Jim replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."
My daughter woke me around 11:50pm last night. “Daddy,” she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve. “Guess how old I’m going to be next month.” “I don’t know, Sweetie,” I said as I slipped on my glasses. “How old?” She smiled and held up four fingers. It is 7:30 now. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hours. She still refuses to tell us where she got them!
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place... First guy, "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend." Second guy, "That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool." Third guy, "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word! So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?" Fourth guy, "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge, and said, "Fishing or sex," and she said, wear sun-block!
In the historic first manned mission to Mars, two Astronauts were charting the Martian surface. "Look at that," said one to the other, "how beautiful this alien landscape is, untouched by man." At that point, he was cut off, as he found his radio communications knocked out by unknown interference. Using an emissions detector, they followed the source of the interference until they reached the rim of a crater. "Do you see what the source of that noise is?" asked the first astronaut. "I don't know," said the second, "but it might be coming from that Starbucks behind you."
How was your blind date?” a college student asked her roommate. “Terrible!” the roommate answered. “He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce.” “Wow! That’s a very expensive car. What’s so bad about that?” “He was the original owner!”
Joe and Jill were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report on the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared," the weather report said. "You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets." Joe said, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee. The next day they were sitting down with their morning cups of coffee. The weather forecast was, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets." Again Joe replied, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee. Two days later, again they're sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast said, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and the power went out and Joe didn't get the rest of the instructions. He turned to Jill, "Jeez, what am I going to do now?" Jill replied, "Aw, Joe, C’mon man! Just leave the car in the darned garage today."
Ponderable Points We can all agree that in 2015 not a single person got the answer correct to, “Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?” If you can’t think of a word say, “I forgot the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot. I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out. At what point can we just start using 2020 as profanity? As in: “That’s a load of 2020.” or “What in the 2020.” or “abso-2020-lutely.” You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up. We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. If you are trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.
Ponderable points #2 Me: (Sobbing my heart out, eyes were swollen, nose red)…. "I can’t see you anymore. I am not going to let you hurt me like this again!” Trainer: “It was a sit up. You did one sit up.” Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house. It’s weird being the same age as old people. When I was a kid I wanted to be older…. this is not what I expected. Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate a helicopter. Chocolate is God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby. It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult. Marriage counselor: “Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?” Him: “To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.” Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So remember…Don’t sing! During the middle ages they celebrated the end of the plague with wine and orgies. Does anyone know if there is anything planned when this one ends? I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say “Wow,” that many times in your first session but here we are… If 2020 was a math word-problem: If you’re going down a river at 2 MPH and your canoe loses a wheel, how much pancake mix would you need to re-shingle your roof? I see people about my age mountain climbing. I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.
One day an Old Man went to the bank. After waiting in a long line, he handed his bank card to the teller and said, "I would like to withdraw $10. The teller replied quite abruptly and told him that for transactions under $100 he must use the ATM machine, so please move along as there is a long line behind you. The teller returned the Old Man's card. The Old Man stood there for a minute and then gave the teller back his card and asked the teller how much money he had in his account. The teller checked and got very quiet and whispered, "Sir, you have over $300,000 in your account." The Old Man said, "Please give it to me." The teller said, "But sir. We don't have that much money here in the bank. You'll have to come back tomorrow." The Old Man paused a moment and then asked, "Well, how much can I withdraw?" The teller replied, "$5000." The Old Man said, "OK. I'll take it." The teller counted out $5000. The Old Man looked at the money, put $10 in his wallet and then smiled at the teller and said, "I'd like to deposit $4990 into my account."
