I see J-lo got engaged to A-rod over the weekend, congrats to her she now has 1 more ring than Jeter.
A good looking man walked into an agent’s office in Hollywood and said, “I want to be a movie star.” Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials. The agent asked, “What’s your name?” The guy said, “My name is Penis van Lesbian.” The agent said, “Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood you are going to have to change your name.” “I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.” The agent said, “Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years… you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I’m telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.” “So be it! I guess we will not do business together” the guy said and he left the agent’s office. FIVE YEARS LATER…… The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed… “Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name but I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice. Sincerely, **** van Dyke
Not a joke but....nothing reminds you that you have dogs like the first day the snow melts. More peices of $HIT in my yard than Congress.
Penguin driving along the road notices a noise from the engine, so he stops at a garage and asks the mechanic to have a look. The mechanic says he will look but will take him 45 min. No problem says the penguin, I will go over the road to the ice cream shop and wait. Penguin sits in the ice cream shop eating his vanilla ice cream, but as penguins have no hands he has to dip his beak in the ice cream, this makes a mess down his front all over his shirt. Penguin finishes his ice cream, crosses the road to the garage and asks the mechanic how he is getting on with his car. The mechanic lifts his head from under the penguin's car hood, looks at the Penguin and says, it looks like you have blown a seal....No says the penguin its only vanilla ice cream. Sent from my SM-N950F using Bowhunting.com Forums mobile app
"The Book of Marriage" says to treat your wife like you used to on your first date. So tonight after dinner I'm dropping her off at her parents house.
BLONDE BUYING WINDOWS Blonde says-: Last year, I replaced, like, all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind. Today, I, like, got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago. and I still hadn't, like, paid for them. OMG! Hellloooo,............ Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I'm, like, automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year -- that these windows would, like, pay for themselves in a year. Helllooooo? It's been a year, so they're, like, paid for, I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
ONE LINERS I went to Legoland last weekend. People were lined up for blocks. My bonsai business is doing so well I have had to move to smaller premises. On my last holiday, I went to a city in the south of France. It was Nice. I think the local dry cleaners can repair my dress. Or at least sew its seams. I named my dog 5 Miles so I can tell my friends I walk 5 miles every day. Here's a picture of me with REM. That's me in the corner. I was robbed last night and all they took was my limbo stick. I mean, how low can they go? A friend said she did not understand cloning. I told her that makes two of us. I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust. Most people are shocked when they find out how bad an electrician I am. Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box. I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need. A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don't even own bikes... I’m only familiar with 25 letters in the English language. I don’t know why! I've just written a song about tortillas; actually, it’s more of a rap. The first time I got a universal remote control I thought to myself, "This changes everything". A tree house is the biggest insult to a tree. "Here, I killed your friend. Hold him." I taught a wolf to meditate. Now he's aware wolf. Hedgehogs, eh? Why can't they just share the hedge? Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner. I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything. I totally understand how batteries feel because I’m rarely ever included in things either. I called the stock market the other day. Was surprised they didn't have any chicken broth. BONUS JOKE I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've travelled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won't fall down.
A white elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches. Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure? "The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?" "Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied. "Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?" "No, it's turned black
