No but for most remotes if you hold them in front of your open mouth and press the button it does extend the range. (Filed under semiuseful trivia)
A young New York woman was so depressed she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. Just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," he said. "I'm a sailor and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy. When we get to Italy you will be SO GLAD that you're alive." With nothing to lose and always wanting to see Italy, she accepted. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the ship's hold. From then on, every night, he would bring her sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. “What are you doing here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with a sailor," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy." "I see," The captain says. Then her conscience got the best of her, and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me." "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home! Sheriff: Height ? Husband: I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall. Sheriff: Weight ? Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat. Sheriff: Color of eyes ? Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed. Sheriff: Color of hair ? Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember. Sheriff: What was she wearing ? Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don’t know exactly. Sheriff: What kind of car did she go in ? Husband: She went in my truck. Sheriff: What kind of truck was it ? Husband : A 2016 pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting. At this point the husband started choking up. Sheriff: Take it easy sir, we’ll find your truck.
A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said. Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor." The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street - responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him. About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin & the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed & threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten." A large mysterious cod appeared & said, "Your wish is granted" & lo & behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed (as it invariably does) & Justin found life as a shark boring & lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again & he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod & begged to be changed back, & lo & behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends & bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark",came the reply. Eager to put things right again & end the mutual pain & torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door & shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out & see me again." Christian replied,"No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, & I'll not be tricked into being your dinner." Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.... I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian."
I figured someone would make that comment. That was actually another Old Man. I'm a Ford guy. ???Where's the popcorn Smiley???
A third grader from Arkansas who moved to Missouri came home from his new school one day and asked his dad, “Daddy, why am I the smartest person in my class? ”His daddy replied, “Well son, that’s cuz you’re from the great state of Arkansas.” The next day at school, the third-graders were playing dodgeball, and the son asked his father, “Daddy, why am I the best dodgeball player?” His daddy replied, "Well son, that’s cuz you’re from the great state of Arkansas.” Next day, the third-graders were getting dressed for PE class. The son came home that day and asked his father, “Daddy, why are my private parts bigger’n the other boys in my class?” The father lowered his head and stated, “Son, that’s cuz you’re seventeen years old.”
Bubba is from deep backwoods Georgia, and he goes to visit some relatives in Detroit (Zucker, Proft, ha, ha). One day he goes shopping, and finds most of what he needs. The store manager happens by and notices that Bubba is looking somewhat puzzled. "Can I help you find anything, sir?" "Peppuh, suh." "Black pepper? Ground, or whole corns?" "Naw suh." "We also have white pepper, and cayene." "Naw suh." "Well, we have a variety of fresh peppers. Which pepper are you needing?" "Toilet peppuh, suh."
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate ship. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels about to attack. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on. This time, the Captain and his crew repelled both pirate ships, although this time more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battles?" The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound, and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed more pirate ships were approaching, 10 of them, all ready to attack. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"
Useful Military Warnings: "Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Army "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop "If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual "Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal "Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance "Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col. David Hackworth "If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal "No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay "Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anonymous "Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Army Recruit "Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies (And lastly) "If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." - U.S. Ammo Troop
I was cleaning my yard when my dog brought a dead rabbit to me. This wasn’t just any ordinary rabbit. I could tell that this was one of my neighbors prized rabbits that he used for shows. Seeing as I didn’t want my neighbor knowing my dog killed his rabbit, I washed the blood off the rabbit and that night put the rabbit back into its cage at my neighbors house. I hoped that he would think his rabbit died of sickness or natural causes. The next evening he and I were sitting outside having a few beers and he says to me, “There are some seriously twisted people out there.” And I said, “What do you mean by that?” He told me, “I had one of my prized rabbits die, so I buried it, and some sick soul dug it up and put it back in its cage.”
A pirate goes to the ship's doctor because he's worried about some spots on his skin. The doctor looks him over briefly and tells him, "Don't worry...They're benign." The pirate says, "No, no, Doc! Look again! There be eleven!"
Speed Decisions A married couple are driving along the Pacific Highway doing 60 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, “Honey, I know we’ve been married for 20 years, but, I want a divorce.” The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 70 mph. She then says, “I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he’s a better lover than you. “ Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases. She says, “I want the house.” Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 80 mph. She says, “I want the kids too.” The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he’s up to 90 mph. She says, “I want the car, the bank accounts, and all the credit cards too.” The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, “Is there anything you want?” The husband says, “No, I’ve got everything I need.” She asks, “So what have you got?” The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 100 mph, “I’ve got the airbag!”
A hooded robber burst into a North Dakota bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave North Dakota customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation. He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence. The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?" There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly too afraid to speak. Then, one old Norwegian named Ole from North Dakota tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you."
I may have posted this one before. ... A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?"
