Having almost cut of the tips of my right ring and pinky finger in 8th grade shop class, I find this joke simultaneously real, slightly insulting and hilarious.
I was wondering if that one might strike a nerve with someone. I usually don’t post if I wonder too much about insulting anyone. Just know I mean no offense with any of my posts. If I wasn’t so careful I’d be copying and posting a lot more in this thread than I do. Some of my sources can be pretty offensive.
I've cut the tip of my thumb of a couple times: chefs knife working on a restaurant in college, mandolin worth a French fry blade about. Last year crushed it in the door of the SUV. Always lucky for enough of it to grow back...ymmv
So I am at Walmart scanning and bagging my almost $300 worth of groceries while the employee that wants $15 an hour "monitors" and then this happened. Her - why are you double bagging all of your groceries? Me - excuse me? Her - you are wasting our bags! Me - if you don't like the way I'm bagging the groceries, feel free to come on over here and bag them yourself. Her - that's not my job! Me - okay, then I will bag my groceries how I please if that's all right with you. Her - why are you using two bags?! Me - because the bags are weak and I don't want the handles to break or the bottoms to rip out. Her - well that's because you are putting too much stuff in the bag. If you took half of that stuff out and put it in a different bag then you wouldn't need to double bag. *10 seconds of me just staring at her. Me - so you want me to split these items in half and put half of them in a different bag so that I don't have to double bag. Her - exactly. Me - so I would still be using two bags to hold the same number of items. Her - no because you wouldn't be double bagging. *me pressing two fingers to my left eye in an attempt to make it stop twitching. Me - okay so here I have a jug of milk and a bottle of juice double bagged. If I take the milk out and remove the double bagging and just put the milk in the single bag and the juice in that single bag I'm still using two bags for these two items. Her- no because you are not double bagging them so it's not the same number of bags. *me looking around at about 10 other customers who at this point are enjoying the show. Me- is this like that Common Core math stuff I keep hearing about? Her- never mind you just don't get it. And with that, she returned to her small Podium to resume texting or playing games on her phone or whatever she was occupied with before she opted to come over and criticize my bagging abilities.
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $25 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $50. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $100. Are there any questions?" At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
Hey, do you want some pizza?" "Uhh no thanks" isn't funny, but sometimes something like "Oh. I don't eat pizza Sent from my iphone using Tapatalk
A young man was visiting his brother and sister-in-law for the holidays. As he arrived at their house he found his young nephew, Timmy, helping them bake some cupcakes. After they were done, his sister-in-law allowed Timmy to put the icing on. When the boy had finished, he brought them to the table. "The cupcakes look delicious, Tim." his uncle said. He took a bite and said, "Timmy these are so good." As he finished cupcake and took another, he again complimented his little nephew. "The cupcakes look beautiful, Tim," his uncle said. "How did you get the icing so neat?" His nephew replied, "It was easy. I just licked them." The uncle turned pale. He pointed to the plate of cupcakes. "You licked all of these?" Timmie replied, "Well no. After a while my tongue got tired, and I got the dog to help."
A very thirsty man goes into a bar. As he waits to get the bartender's attention, a regular sitting next to him calls out, "I'll have another waterloo." The bartender gives the regular a tall ice cold drink and asks the newcomer what he would like. The thirsty man points to the man next to him and says, "I guess I'll have what he's having, a waterloo." So the bartender brings the newcomer a tall ice cold drink. The man takes a long deep drink and calls out, "HEY! This isn't any good. It tastes just like water!" The regular bar patron sitting next to him says, "It is water. That's all I drink," He turns to the bartender and says, "Right Lou?"
Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer to let her know he had arrived safely. Unfortunately, he miss typed a letter and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away. The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted. When she was finally revived, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here."
On New Year's Eve, Patty stood up in the local bar and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted everyone to be standing next to the one person who made their life worth living. As the clock struck 12, chaos erupted as the bartender was almost crushed to death.
I went to a temporary tattoo parlor yesterday. When it wouldn’t wash off, I went back to complain but the shop was gone!!!
Sven always wore a knit hat because his whiskers were long but his noggin was a shiny as a billiard ball. One day his life-long friend, Ole, arrived at Sven's front porch with exciting news. "Der's a new barber in town! Kinda skinny, but extra hairy all over 'specially on top. His sign says that you and him can look the same, but it'll cost you $500." Well, Sven grabbed his hat, went the bank and emptied his account and then ran over to the barber across the street. Ole didn't see Sven for a couple weeks so he went up the porch steps and knocked on Sven's door. Sven appeared looking sad and wearing his usual hat. Ole said, "Vell?" Sven slowly removed his cap to reveal his naturally bald pate. "Vat happened?" Sven sighed and said, "He shaved his own head...so now we look the same!"
Two guys were fishing along a river, an old man and a young man. The old man sees a snapping turtle floating down the river towards him; with a shout of rage, he leaps into the water, drags the turtle out onto the bank, pummels it, then grabs it by the tail, spins around and around, finally flinging it back into the water with shouted curses. "What did you do that for?" the young man demanded. The old man held up his left hand, which was missing the pinkie finger. "I was fishing in this same spot forty years ago. A snapping turtle bit my finger off. That's the same turtle, and when I saw him, I just couldn't help myself." "How could you possibly tell it was the same turtle?" the young man asked. "Oh," the old man replied, "That's easy. I have turtle recall."
This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book. He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in." The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me. So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'" St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?" "Er.. about two minutes ago."
My wife and kids are leaving me because they say I’m obsessed with Horse Racing. I’m looking out the window at them now……….. and they’re off!
It was different when we were kids. In second grade, a teacher came in and gave us all a lecture about not smoking, and then they sent us over to arts and crafts... To make ashtrays for Mother's Day.
