Three traveling salesmen break down in front of a fruit farm and ask to spend the night.
The farmer says, “Yes, but you may not speak to my daughter, or you will face the consequences.” The three men agree.
Of course, none of them can resist talking with the gregarious daughter, and the farmer is incensed. He forces the three men to go out to the fields and pick 10 pieces of fruit they like.
The first guy comes back with grapes. The farmer holds his shotgun on him and says, “OK, start shoving them up your nose.” The man does it.
The second guy comes back with cherries, and the farmer tell him to do the same thing, whereupon the second man bursts out laughing.
The farmer says, “What’s so funny?”
Between giggles, the second guy says, “Well, George’ll be back in a minute. See, he’s picking watermelons.”
That is awesome.
Pope And Young do not consider does as deer or crossbows as archery equipment.
The Perfect Man
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife.
Last edited by The Old Man; 02-17-2017 at 12:47 PM.
Male logic, flawless
This a conversation between a man and his wife.
Please note that she asks five or six questions which he answered quite simply, but then she is speechless after answering only one question.
This happens more often than not to most husbands out there:
Woman: Do you drink beer?
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about three.
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip. (this is where it gets scary!)
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose.
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?
Woman: Do you know that if you did not drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Man: Where is your airplane?
Brenda O'Malley is home as usual, making dinner, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to tell ya, Brenda. There was am accident down at the brewery..."
"Oh, dear God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda," says Tim. "Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Brenda reached a hand to her side, found the arm of the rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim: Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda......no."
"Fact is, Brenda," says Tim, "He got out three times to pee."
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
16.5 feet in theTwilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
Elmer Fudd had a girlfriend who liked to tie him to the bed and pour chocolate and caramel all over him.
She was a dominatwix.
The young man knows the rules,
The Old Man knows the exceptions.
Oliver Wendell Holmes
Quotes Taken from actual performance evaluations:
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."